I haven’t had an entire day to myself in 9 months. Heck, I haven’t even had a couple consecutive hours to myself since then. Instead, I am constantly pulled in multiple directions: the kids need me, I’m expected to help with the PTO, my church responsibilities never seem to let up. Even the Red Cross has my number on speed dial, so that the term “blood, sweat, and tears” applies to the demands on me in a very literal sense.
Last week I informed my husband that I needed some time off, time away from him and the kids. Time which I could spend however I desired. He readily consented to guard the home front, so I could get away.
I wasn’t entirely sure what I would do with myself. After all, my town doesn’t boast many entertainment options, and I was in no mood to brave the wintry weather to drive 70 miles to the nearest mall. By the time Saturday came, I was still at a loss as to how to spend my few hours of free time. Go to the library? Sit at the cafe in town? Window shop at Kohl’s?
It didn’t really matter, as long as I spent some time in solitary confinement.
All Saturday morning, we ran around trying to complete errands and take care of the kids. After many, many distractions and obstacles on Saturday morning, Bil finally insisted I leave the house so I could get my time alone after lunch.
As I readied myself for my outing, Charlotte mentioned that she wanted to come with me so we could have a “Charlotte-Mommy Date,” and for some reason I still don’t understand, I assented and took her with me. I think I actually was a bit relieved to have some company, even that of a preschooler to keep me occupied.
Though my afternoon was very enjoyable, I don’t know why I wasted my only chance this week at some alone time. After all that whining and complaining about how I am constantly at everyone’s beck and call, why did I not run from the house before anyone could notice I was leaving? Why did I not just say “no” to my daughter? Why didn’t I assert my right for some independent fun?
I’m really not sure, but I do know one thing: though it is true that I have many obligations that make free time hard to come by, it’s often MY fault I don’t get to go out alone. I’m the one to blame!
After some soul searching, I realized that I am a bit of a martyr, though I really hate to publicly admit this. I like feeling wanted and needed. It feels good to be the one who knows just how to calm Danny and Charlotte’s overwhelmed senses. I like that they would rather spend time with me than give me a moment’s peace. I like being the one who knows where everything is, how the hot dogs need to be cut so as to avoid any tantrums, and how to convince the kids to cooperate for their dreaded therapy.
No matter how much I complain about all those responsibilities, I must, on some level, like being the one in charge. If not, why didn’t I leave the house alone on Saturday?
And staying at home and complaining is sometimes easier than getting out of my comfort zone and doing something for myself. It’s easier than figuring out what it is I actually want to do with myself, because apparently, somewhere in the last 7.5 years of parenting, I’ve lost sight of what that is. Probably through lack of practice.
I have a lot more soul searching to do in order to ascertain why I am not making time for myself. Sure, I can blame it on the kids, our lack of money for babysitters and all my other responsibilities, but Saturday made me realize I am not being entirely truthful with myself.
And the more I think about it, the more I realize that my martyr syndrome is not doing anyone any favors. Not getting any free time is making me a total crank with an incredibly short fuse. But that’s the least of the problems. I realize now that I am not giving Bil the opportunity to spend alone time with the kids. He isn’t getting the chance to be the guy in charge and to teach the kids that there is more than one way to cut a hot dog. Armageddon will not occur because Bil cuts Charlotte’s orange rather than peeling it. And my kids need to get that. But if I am always hanging about, fixing things and butting in, they won’t.
So, this Saturday, I’m getting out of the house. Alone. No amount of whining and complaining by the kids will make me change my mind. After all, it’s for their good as much as mine.
Comments
cassie wheeler
I love this article. I see myself alot in this
Thankyou for sharing!
Spectrummy Mummy
I’m sure I’m not the only one who can relate to this. We know how to do things just right, so it is easier for us to soothe the overwhelmed child, who becomes more dependent, and less likely to seek help from anyone else.
Today I booked tickets for a day in Boston, just for me. It will be good for me, and good forth rest of my family to be without me for a little while. I can’t wait!
PattyP
Cassie, thank you! I was worried nobody else felt like me and I was nervous to post this.
Spectrummy Mummy, you are my hero! Good for you. Last year I went to Chicago for the weekend by myself for my sister-in-law’s baby shower. It was the best weekend ever: I spent Friday ALL ALONE and it was fabulous! I need to do that again soon….
Martianne
I can relate to this on many, many counts.
I can also add that I have discovered I want and need more “me” time now than I ever did before marriage and kids, but have yet to learn how to find pockets of it and use them appropriately. Instead, I usually end up taking “me” time when I shouldn’t. Say, in the wee hours of the night, writing and playing online when I know the kids will be up early in the morning and I will regret it. This, of course, only exacerbates the whole syndrome: I am tired today because I don’t get time for just me and so I have to take it in the middle of the night. Blah, blah, blah…
Recently, I have been recognizing my poor habits and building better ones. I have also been going back to the 5 P’s I heard about and latched onto long ago about roles in motherhood: prayer, person, partner, parent, provider. These are categories of a mother’s role in order of importance. Too often, I put the last two first and, then, find, I can neither parent nor provide efficiently, because my prayer life, personal time for recharging and partner time for communication and relationship building are being neglected…
May we all find better balance and ways to actually get a few hours of “me” time at appropriate times and enjoy them!
Mara
I can relate to this so well. I’ve recently come to a realization that the reason that I’m the only one who can do things ‘right’ for the kids is because I’m the one who has always done it. Not because daddy can’t but because I honestly haven’t given him the chance. I am a total control freak…when I’m home I might make a show of having daddy do ‘whatever’ but if I’m anywhere in earshot when the inevitable melt down ensues I rush in to the rescue. So I’ve used this as an excuse to not take me-time. Finally though I forced myself into it knowing that if my cup is empty I cannot refill anyone else’s. Sort of the whole putting on your own oxygen mask first theory. So I joined a Thursday night Zumba class. There were some growing pains, the first few times away it didn’t go perfect. (The first time I went my daughter had a melt down because daddy didn’t put her lotion on right…and she’s not even my SPD kiddo!!)But now I come home in a GREAT mood (so much easier to deal with any challenges that way) and find that my sweet little family is doing awesome in my absence! Daddy is more confident and the kids get some important daddy bonding time.
Alysia
I can relate a hundred times over. Just two weeks ago I ran into this same thing. My oldest goes to “sibshop”, and it’s our thing that I drive him there and get 90 mins to myself to talk with the other moms there. I ALWAYS feel guilty about it. This time, because my middle guy (with ASD/SPD) was acting out so much, I offered to take him with me. Then, when it was clear he couldn’t go anywhere, I stayed home with him and my 2 yr old and sent my husband. Total martyrdom. Because I didn’t want my husband to have a hard time, so I gave up my time instead.
We do this a hundred times over as moms, and especially as special needs moms since we think we’re the only ones who can endure the hard times. But in order to endure those hard times, we need “me” time to regroup. Great post, Patty.
Teresa
I have nothing to brag about…but I’ve gotten pretty good at scheduling nights out. Nights, because that’s the time I have, and people I know have, away from the mom role. (Although I did schedule a Saturday afternoon pedicure once after my husband felt my scratchy, bare feet on him and asked me if I was wearing socks!)
I’ve even discovered that the more time my SPD child spends with dad, the more tolerant he is of the differences. So the more time I give them together, with me totally out of the picture, the more readily they seem to link up next time I’m gone.
PS..I’d still love to get a vacation away WITH my husband, but that seems farther and farther away these days.
Heather
Under the guise of a Garage Sale in which we were selling many of the boys’ toys I sent my honey and the boys out of town for the weekend. I worked really hard at the garage sale but also enjoyed a quiet house for the weekend. That was 18 months ago. Since then, we have made it a point to give each other a break from the kids every few months. We take turns taking them to visit family or go to our family cabin. It truly has saved us as parents and has saved our relationship. So, please do take that time for yourself. I promise, you won’t regret it!