Several weeks ago I stopped at an automotive repair shop to get a quote on some work that needed to be done to my car. I figured it wouldn’t take too long and that my son could handle a bit of a wait (boy, was I wrong). That day, I learned how cruel total strangers can be when your child is different.
My son has high-functioning autism and sensory processing disorder. Odds are if you are reading my blog you are probably either dealing with something like this yourself or you know someone who is. My hope is that this will also reach people who know nothing about the challenges of a child who is on the spectrum or has some other acronym.
Sensory issues can best be described as a heightened awareness to sounds, smells, sights and any other sense. Sensory Processing Disorder can make you feel like you are spilling out of control and most people who are affected, children especially, don’t know how to handle the barrage of sensory input that they receive. Some kids seek heavy input, they like to push things, pull things, and jump off of things. Others are avoidant, they won’t touch certain things, don’t like sounds, etc. Imagine if you will that you drank too much, or you were on some sort of a bad acid trip or having some insane reaction to medication. That out of control feeling can be what it is like to experience SPD.
Now that you have some background, back to my story. We were waiting for the car to get checked out and the lady behind the counter as awesome enough to put a children’s show on the TV; things were going pretty well. I was actually going to accomplish something that I didn’t have to have my other half do after working all day. In walks a lady with her daughter who I will from this point refer to as Other Kid and Other Mother. My son wanted to check them out as he does with all new people. He did and was sufficiently satisfied that these people were okay to be there. The little girl went to the soda machine to get a Hawaiian Punch and that’s when things began to go awry. My son immediately went after her (first nasty look from Other Mother). I went to pick him up to remove him and he threw himself on the floor, screaming, banging his head, limbs flying around and grease in his blonde hair (second nasty look and big sigh from Other Mother). I managed to scoop him up but not before he kicked me square in the eye. It caught me off guard (usually does…) so I lost my grip. At this point he has one shoe on and is diving for the soda that the little girl has now left on the window sill. In slow motion I watched as my son leaped 007 style through the air, swiped the soda spilling it EVERYWHERE including on Other Mother. Now I have the desk attendant giving me dirty looks, Other Kid is screaming that he took her soda and Other Mom is positively livid that he spilled it on her. As I collect paper towels to try to clean up while hanging on to my now hysterical son, profusely apologizing and offering to pay her dry cleaning bill and buy new sodas it hits me. Other Mother let loose a deluge of derogatory remarks that will forever be seared into my memory and I am so glad my little man will probably never remember this incident.
Here is a brief list: “you’re probably a welfare mom” (what?), “you’re kid needs a good ass kicking” (wow, I usually hear spanking, ass kicking is a bit harsh…), “worst mom ever”…”ghetto white trash…” I am pretty sure I heard “crack head” in there somewhere…all while I am still apologizing profusely, cleaning up and comforting my child. In the mean time, 2 more customers walk in to witness the chaos. I ran outside so that the lady behind the desk could hear her phone conversations and help her customers. As I was cleaning off my greasy, dirty, tear stained two year old with baby wipes Other Mother sashays out of the shop to get into her car where, once buckled in, she yells out the window “you are the perfect example of someone who should never have kids” (Me? I’m that parent?).
Heartbreak. Rage. Embarrassment. What emotion didn’t I feel? This was the first time we had been under that kind of attack, I understood her anger, and I really did. I have looked at other parents in disdain, thinking I knew what they and their child were all about.
I am sharing this story because I am really hoping that if you ever see a parent and their child encountering a similar situation, a tantrum in the store, a fit in the parking lot that you won’t add to their grief by giving disapproving looks and harsh words because the bottom line is you don’t know what is going on, you only know what you see. If you must do something, offer a smile or a look of encouragement. If you must say something, offer a kind word, a simple “bless your heart” would do. Yes, there are bad parents out there but there are so many good ones who are literally dedicating every waking hour of their day to advocate for and teach their child and for those parents a little kindness can be fuel to make it through one more long day.
Comments
Kathy D.
Oh my. I’m so very sorry about your day! Gotta tell you, I had this same day a few weeks ago…but we were at an aquarium
Big hugs to you, I think we could all use them!!!
Kathy D.
Yvette
Wow. While I have received disapproving or judgmental looks, I’ve never experienced such a hate-filled tantrum by another parent. I’m sorry that happened and hope we can all remember your story when we are tempted to judge another parent ourselves. We all need to give each other grace!
Ashley
I wish I could give you a GIANT hug. Ive been there. The first time it happened was before we knew what was different about our son. I hate that other people feel the need to comment/voice their opinions. There was one time where my son was melting down in horrific fashion. People were walking around us making snide remakes. I was almost in tears as I was trying to get my son off the floor when a little old lady stopped, patted me on the back and told me it was ok and that everyone has their rough days. Now I always make a point of smiling and saying a kind word to a parent when they look like they are having a rough day.
Karla (Mom2MissK)
Just. Wow.
I could wish every nasty sort of thing imaginable on “other mom,” but I suppose that would make me just as bad as she is, huh?
Still, there is NO reason in the world for an attack like that. NO one, under NO circumstances should have to hear that they’re unfit to parent (even if they are!) It’s just common human decency!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I hope your post does promote understanding. ((hugs))!
MarfMom
That could have been my son today during the Easter service at church. I am so, so sorry
((hugs))
Patty
Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe the things she said to you. You, white trash? The irony so obvious it leaves me utterly dumbfounded. She used language like that in front of two children and YOU are the white trash? Puhleeze! How dare she?
Maybe I am biased here, but your son is only 2. Most 2 year olds have tantrums (I know mine does and he’s not even on the spectrum). Then when you add autism to the mix, it of course, complicates things.
Still, I would never even think those types of things of a mom with a tantruming two year old. It wasn’t like you were sitting back and watching him beat the snot out of the girl. You tried to stop him and oh, wow, he spilled some soda. Big freaking deal! Kids do that all the time.
I’m sorry, but this story just infuriates me. I am so sorry you had to endure this type of abuse! She is terrible.
But, you are right. We all need this reminder. Thanks for sharing your story.
Caffeinated Autism Mom
First, huge hug for remaining calm! If you are anything like me you were so hyperfocused on trying to help your child and “fix” things that it was the only reason you did not burst into ugly tears right on the spot. I have SO been there. I actually wrote a post called “Meltdowns Happen” that ran here on SPDBN, highlighting one of those lovely experiences I had with my kiddo.
By some miracle and with all of the public meltdowns my son has had, I have not been the subject of ignorant verbal judging. However, there has been plenty of silent judging (and, probably some verbal that I couldn’t hear over the ruckus of my son’s meltdowns).
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. You are a good parent and you are most definitely not alone.
-Angela (aka Caffeinated Autism Mom)
http://caffeinatedautismmom.blogspot.com
Mary
Oh, how I feel your pain. Been there, done that. Although, I hadn’t had someone say such harsh words. They usually just give you “the look.” I am so sorry about your bad day.
Karina Dawn
God bless you hon. It enrages me when I hear stories like this, but at the same time empowers me to continue my work. I work with families and children with autism and I wish these situations never happened. Just remember that this incident says so much more about her than it does about you….and you walked away with such grace!
thank you for sharing…
Karina
OneCrazyMamaof4
It drives be beyond belief that people (can I even call Other mom a person????) behave like this and then think they are justified in their behaviors/actions.
.
I am sorry that you and your amazing son had to go through this… and THANK YOU for having the courage to share this story with us. Trust me when I say…we are all in this together.
My husband always says the following when I share a story I have heard about amazing children such as your child and how it relates to something our children have done etc “Been there, done that… didn’t have time to get the tshirt because I was being a parent”….
You are an amazing and sensational mother… and don’t let someone else EVER tell you different.
HUGS
mary
I think I would have looked her dead in the eye and said quite clearly, “My son has autism, Bitch. What’s your excuse?”
Seriously, though how about a letter to your local paper (similar to what you’ve written here) explaining the situation? You might not educate her because let’s face it she’s stupid, but others will see it and think twice next time.
A similar incident (though nowhere near as verbally nasty) happened a couple weeks ago AT the hospital where we go for OT. They used to have the kids in their own building (but they gave that to the pillheads), and now we are mixed in with all sorts of folks (strokes, car accidents, anything rehab related) so people don’t maybe realize. Not to worry. They were quickly educated.
We have all been there though. Strangers tried to sic a walmart worker on us once. And the tantrum was nowhere near what my kiddo is capable of. The walmart lady just smiled and went on.
Something my kid’s ot told her recently might help. “You know those mean kids on the playground? They haven’t had the benefit of coming here to OT so they don’t know any better than to act like that. See how lucky you are?”
Sarah
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I found myself holding my breath while reading the story. Pretend I just patted you on the back. Aw heck, lemme give you a ((((HUG))))…you deserve it!
Addison's mommy
I am so sorry this happened to you. It makes me sad and outrages me how some have no kindness. My daughter has SPD and I have been on the recipient end of those looks and it is very painful. I have never had it taken as far though as someone saying such harsh words. *hugs*
jillsmo
OH MY GOD. I’m speechless. I can’t breathe. I am so sorry!
kimberly
So sorry to read the pain in this post. My child has aspergers -so I know what you’re talking about… but I also have 3 other kids – who have a tendency to act dare I say it “childish” and get the same looks about their behavior as well – people are extremely harsh with their judgements when infact – EVERYONE has gone thru something with their child / children. Just realize it is her that has the real problem.
xoxox
Blue
I am so, so sorry things went so poorly! If there’s one thing I’ve learned since beginning to work with kids with autism, it’s that I have NO right to judge strangers on their parenting skills (or on anything else, for that matter)– there is so much more going on than a casual onlooker can see. Bless you for keeping cool and for being such a wonderful mother to your son; Other Mom and Other Child should be so lucky.
Jo Ashline
Wow. I am shocked and appalled that you had to endure this kind of treatment. You are a strong and amazing parent and your son is blessed to be in your care. Do NOT let that vile woman’s comments be forever seared in your brain. You and your family are far too important to allow such a disgusting experience interfere with all of the wonderful things that are part of your life.
Hang in there. You ARE strong. She is weak.
Hugs to you!
Melissa
Bless your heart! I pity the person that ever says those words to me because I think I would release my own harsh words! I believe in karma and she will one day see her child unleash the mother of all tantrums in a public place. Keep your head up, brave face on, and keep doing what we are doing!
Nidia
OMG.. Im so sorry momma! Hugs!!! People can be sooo mean and so cruel! My heart goes out to you. I dont know what I would have done, other than probably start bawling right in front of everyone and throwing fbombs! You are one strong woman for keeping your cool!
Tam
:/ people seem to have lost the ability to show even a modicum of respect to others these days…
Shivon
I am so sorry that awful woman was such a witch…replace that W with a B
Stephanie
I don’t have a child on the spectrum but wow, just wow. What is sad is that she actually said those things in front of HER child! Makes you wonder WHO is the one that is the worst mom ever. It saddens me to know her child has the potential to grow up with ZERO compassion for others
Hugs to you.
Kevin
I second Mary’s suggestion of a letter to the editor of the local paper. You’ve done a great job illuminating the situation.
Lost in all of the commenters’ vilification of Other Mother, though, is the thought that she herself may have been having a bad day. I’m certainly not excusing her hurtful words & actions (and the poor example it set for her daughter), but her reaction indicates some pretty deep feelings of shame around her own parenting abilities. Having compassion for those who treat others without compassion is perhaps the most difficult calling.
Heather Finnegan
I read that you have a 2 year old. My neuro-typical son just turned 3 and he could have done any of the above behaviors. Let alone my SPD-kiddo. NO ONE has the right to voice anything like that. I am so sorry for you and like everyone else, would love to have given you a big hug and been there to help you that day!!!!!! Kids are not perfect and they make mistakes. That was just awful!!!! She really needs a lesson in humility and compassion! Sad that you wouldn’t have gotten any farther with her even if you had told her your son had a disability. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
Honey
Thank you for taking the time to share this post.
We have a story to share (one of many):
Our oldest has autism. I remember one day when he was in kindergarten (the one year he went to public school) we went to the grocery store after school. We were going into the store. It was crowded and busy. My son sat down right on the ground outside the door, blocking it completely. I had my 2 other children with me at the time (we have 5 total now) and my mom. My mom was completely horrified. He was just like a lump and I had to pick him up to move him. People gave us dirty looks. Horrible dirty looks.
Blessings
Honey
EnjoyHi5Autism
Sometimes you laugh. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes you chide. Sometimes you ignore. Sometimes you explain. Always, never let your child believe that OTHERS negative responses to AS or SPD is the sum total of who they are. There are many positives to being ‘uniquely different’: focused, unpretentious, task-oriented, offer ‘uniquely different’ perspective, etc…
Jen U
WOW! Okay, I’ve never had “that” same attack, but close enough and it hurt just as much. Our story took place in Fleet Farm. As like all of theses stories go, this was another one of those “Should have known better” moments back prior to our full understanding of SPD & our children’s Autism.
But we all have stories like this. Or have felt like this at some point or another.
Now I’m going to share one of my good stories. We were at Target and I had our oldest with us who is 5yrs old. The trip was successful so far (as long as we purchased a new toy) and for me, he had earned that toy being so good on a Saturday morning rush.
At the check out, I was sharing with my son to say Thank you and Please (which he usually does, but when bombarded with his surroundings, he tends to forget). The clerk was a young kid, rough around the edges, almost goth like appearance yet is one of the most polite clerks that Target has.
The clerk began to share how refreshing it was to see a parent go as far to teach their child manners as many don’t. I continued to share that both of our kids have Autism and I take every opportunity to teach them all that they need to know. This is when the clerk surprised me.
He shared that he too had high functioning autism and although, you possibly couldn’t tell, but he had it. I looked him square in the eye and shared with him that it’s success stories like his that gives me hope on our bad days. That clerk lit up like a Christmas tree and smiled.
We said our thank yous to each other and we both walked off with what we needed to hear from each other that day.
“That other Parent” in your story hun was the ‘bad parent here’….you don’t need me to tell you that. I’ve often thought of using awareness cards that explain my children’s behaviors. But I’m never quick enough to dig into my purse and wrestle two kids at the same time.
I fear for the person who ever decides to attack me as there are years of pent up anger inside of me waiting to lash out at the victim it chooses. So far, I’ve been able to tame that beast…but I know one day..when the timing is right, all of MN will hear of the day this mom unleashes her tongue and more than likely, not so kindly, explains autism and SPD to some complete stranger with a foul mouth.
niksmom
Speechless and enraged on your behalf. The only thing that keeps me from going postal on peopel like that is this: KARMA. She’ll get her own back in kind one day.
Liesl
Wow, what an experience. I feel bad for you. But I also feel bad for Other Mom, that she couldn’t forget about herself for one minute and lend a hand. As soon as I read your post, I offered a short prayer for her that she will get the help she needs as well. You handled yourself way better than I probably could have. Hang in there.
ShesAlwaysWrite
Giant hugs to you. That woman’s behavior is beyond belief.
Your story grabbed me by the gut because I just had to drag Bear around to a bunch of auto shops to get a bunch of estimates before the folks responsible for hitting my van would pay. I was secretly freaking out in every single waiting room, and two weeks later still feel lucky that nothing too crazy happened.
claire howett
Those comments say more about that other mum than you. my hubby heard some teenager announce that someone should learn to control our (asd) child because. she kept hitting people with a baloon. oh purlease! he just laughed in her face, but was quite. upset insid I would love these ignorant people to walk a mile in our shoes before judging.
leslie
wow, I feel sorry for the person who ever trys to say something like that to me. I am the mother of 4 special needs children and have “meltdowns” almost every time I go out in public. We own both our home and car,but because I have to be available for all the appointments needed each week to keep said kids happy and functioning I don’t work. we live off my husband’s salory which isn’t realy enough to support a 6 person family, so my kids wear hand-me downs and don’t have all the expensive toys that other kids have. and because of this I believe that my kids have a better understanding of what is important in life. when we arn’t in the middle of a “meltdown” my children are very well behaved, and have defended other children and even adults, who have “shown their buts” (as my 11 year old puts it)in public. I’m sorry u had to go thru that, and congratulate you on keeping your cool.
Stephanie Mulac
Pity the poor child of “other mother” who will grow up being surrounded by such bitterness and obvious hatred. That lady exhibited more deep seeded issues that will have greater impact on her own child than any obstacles you and your child will ever have to endure.
I thought perhaps your child was far older than 2 when you were first writing, but special needs or not – there are probably few parents who can say they’ve never had an off day with their 2 year old.
Your grace and courage set a better example for all who witnessed this than the behavior of the other mother who sunk far below the actions of your child in the bigger picture!
Be well,
Stephanie
LLA_Princess
Thanks so much for sharing such a personal story. I have had family and strangers both be insensitive and hurtful to my boys. My hope is as we continue to share our stories, as painful as they can be, it spread awareness and compassion.
MEmouse
I understand how you might have felt, for thou I haven’t been yelled at by “other mom” but I have gotten the looks and been in situations where I felt like I wish that me and my child could disappear into a dark hole. This has been happening for a few years, my son is now 8 and has Aspergers and ADHD so he doesn’t deal well with social situations and often has outburst when he doesn’t get his own way. It can be challenging and hard to deal with but I will always be there helping my son and fighting for him in every situation.
Heather Finnegan
I just saw this tonight posted by a friend on facebook and thought of you and “other mom”.
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And, I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so… Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
Have a blessed, garbage-free day!
3Littletikesmom
Have had similar experiences but not with a verbal attack so severe. That is horrible. My husband has also had such an instance. He is not as calm as I. That woman ended up being thrown out of the supermarket after she told my husband to keep his retarded kid at home.
Floortime Lite Mama
OMG what a horrible expereince
People are so heartless
Shannon Colleary
Hey Heather – I love your garbage truck story, I’ll be using that one. And Carmen, thanks so much for sharing your story. I know at least 15 women who have children somewhere on the spectrum and my oldest child had a mild case of SPD when she was a toddler. She seems to’ve grown out of a lot of it. Now when I see a mom or dad struggling with a child I have my own experience to draw from and can be compassionate and helpful. It’s all about information. Keep writing. Thanks, Shannon
Kelly
I’m sorry you had to go through that experience. I’m glad your son is little enough that he likely won’t remember it. My kids for the most part tend more toward shutdown than meltdown in public. We have had our moments though and the stares, comments make a hard situation so much harder. I wish all parents realized the need to give each other grace. We never know someones story. Really, we don’t need to know their story. Even if the kid is truly an unruly brat(which I personally believe is rare) and the parent is the worst parent on the planet a little grace and kindness can go so far.
Varda (SquashedMom)
Wow. I am usually good at ignoring the evil eye looks by now, but that kind of verbal abuse? I would have just lost it.
I think I would have stared her dead in the eye and said something bitingly sarcastic in a really cold and disapproving tone, like: “And you are just such a shining example of proper behavior, decorum and good parenting, now, aren’t you. This is really the example you want to set for your child? Really? Shame on you and your inappropriate potty mouth. I was apologizing to you and your daughter. If there is ANYONE here who is acting and sounding like trash? Look in the mirror, honey.”
I might even have added “When your daughter gets knocked up at 14, you’ll have only yourself to blame.” (But I’d probably just have thought that part loudly to myself)
Varda (SquashedMom)
Also to amend what I just wrote: this is, of course, all in hindsight and with the distance of reading about it. Had I been there I probably would have been just sobbing and furious and too overwhelmed with trying to clean up & take care of my child to say anything.
Hugs to you & so sorry you had to go through that. And Pfffft! to the mean lady!
TJ Thurston
Let me start by saying that you have nothing to apologize for, nothing to be sorry about. This is NOT a parenting issue. This is also not your child’s fault. He didn’t cause his ASD and you didn’t give it to him.
Second, been there, done that. I was on a plane where my S was acting up (several years ago and long before we had a Dx) and I got a lot of nasty stares and one guy said, “You’re enabling the bad behavior.” Sheesh.
What we have here is two problems: (1) classic ignorance of autism spectrum disorders and how the symptoms might appear; and (2) a person who probably has problems of her own, but deflects them by casting remarks on others (in Psych terms, this is called misdirected anger). She could have done two things, either of which would have been a better response: (1) have empathy and try to help you; or (2) ignored the situation and accepted your apology.
I’m sorry you had to experience this. I’m sorry any of us with AS kids have to deal with unawareness, unacceptance, and public disdain. We have to fix this, even if its one person at a time. But it starts in the schools. We need the kids’ teachers and peers (and by extension, their parents) to understand that AS kids and their parents need help, not criticism and ostracizing.
turnertroop
Coming from someone who knows…you are an amazing Mom! Even parents with “normal” kids experience meltdown days. It is not what your child does that defines your parenting skills, but how you as a parent handle the situation. Your ability to keep a calm and cool head while Other Mother could not is what separates you, not your children. It is our job as parents to set a good example for our children and it sounds to me like Other Mother is failing to do so. She sounds more like the “type of person” who should never have kids! Never let other people’s opinions of you upset you. You can’t please everyone and they just Don’t Know! The only thing you can do is to go on doing the amazing job you already are, and know that there are people who love you and support you. Just remember to smile……….the rest will take care of it’s self!
Cindy
I lived a similar experience with my son in the last row of an airplane, behind this elderly woman. That moment is stuck in my memory. In our case the event was pretty mindor. My son was maybe 4 years old. The plain was still loading. He was standing on the seat beside me. Check out how to open and close the window shade. Checking out the air vent and light switches. Actually quite happy. This elderly woman turned around and asked me why I couldn’t “control” my son. What happended to patience, compassion, courtesy,and understanding? At the moment I wanted to totally berate this woman because I was furious, but I need to get to my destination and I didn’t want to chance it and get kicked off the plan. Over the years the I have tossed aside any embarrassment. I have decided there are some ignorant people you can’t change.
Julie
Actually, she’s the perfect example of someone who should have children. ALL children have bad days, act out and misbehave. You’d be a ba mother if you didn’t apologize, offer to pay for her dry cleaning,’etc. You did nothing wrong.
Laura
I love how often people judge me as a bad mom when I’m out in public with my son and he has one of his meltdowns. I’ve learned to hold my head up high, and to keep doing what I’m doing. I know I’m a good, dedicated mom. My reward is my son’s improved behavior. When you encounter these people, just hold your head up and remember, if they were in your shoes, they’d be the one having the meltdown!
Michel
Things like this unfortunately don’t surprise me anymore. The thing is while this blog is a great way to educate people it’s not educating the right people. These type of stories not only belong here but they belong in all the Parent magazines that neurotypical childrens parents read. Or heck a special issue of Highlights for children to open the discussion of special needs children with their parents. The thing is even on other blogs I read I’ve found that neurotypical parents automatically go into defense when they feel their child is being attacked. I’ve seen grown people with children automatically label a 5 year old a bully when in actuality the kid had issues and they were to ignorant to see that because they are not familiar with special needs kids. It’s almost like an awareness for special needs kids class needs to be taught because I don’t think our message of “help, don’t yell, name call or belittle our children” is getting through to the right people.
Joyce
I posted this link on facebook along with the comment that I no longer judge other parents or children now that my son is diagnosed
Nini J.
I cannot begin to describe how nauseating that woman’s behavior was. I am a preschool director and I found your blog because I was trying to find an article to put in my newsletter. I wanted to make parents aware that the child they think is “misbehaving” and “obviously without discipline at home” may not be all they seem. I am so very sorry that you have to endure ignorance like that. Please know that there are those of us who do understand and who back you 100%.