During one of my book signings last year, I was asked by a mom how you can tell the difference between sensory problems and behavior problems. It made me smile. Why? Because in my experience, this is hands down the number one parenting concern for those raising a child with Sensory Processing Disorder. It always has been and I suspect it always will be.
And since getting a diagnosis of SPD is becoming more common at an earlier age (you can’t say enough good things about the value of early intervention, can you?) — we as parents have an even harder time telling the two apart.
A 2 year old with sensory issues is a tantrum throwing machine. Been there. Done that. And it sure doesn’t end at 2, does it?! You could say the same for my 10 year old!
So, I figured I would give my take on this — but please remember, this is my non-doctor, non-therapist, non-medical professional of any kind, advice, and in no way shape or form should you consider it medical advice or substitute it for your own good judgement. Deal?
In a nutshell, my advice is the same advice that Dr. Ostovar gave in her interview on Hartley’s Life With 3 Boys last year, “Be a detective, and try and determine what caused the reaction.” But, I am going to give you some specific examples that will hopefully help pave the way for your own clue-finding. I am using younger kids as an example (preschool-elementary aged), but truthfully these examples apply to EVERY kid at EVERY age.
By default, we should start with the theory that whatever is bothering our child is sensory related – or caused by some inability to react appropriately. Why? Because I much prefer to go with Dr. Ross Greene’s theory that children do well if they can (as opposed to the theory that children do well if they want to which is unfortunately more common). If your child could react adaptively, I believe he/she would.
Which means we are assuming that that the tantrum your child is throwing isn’t just willful disobedience by an over-spoiled and over-coddled child. You don’t buy into the idea that your child is “just spirited” do you? I didn’t think so.
Before we begin sensory vs. behavior, let’s talk about the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown.
A tantrum is a manipulative fit (crying, screaming, throwing themselves on the floor, etc.) aimed at the child getting what they want from you – example being, “I want ice cream!”
A meltdown is an emotional response (crying, screaming, throwing themselves on the floor) to the child not getting what they need – example being “I want ice cream!”
Confused?
Sure you are.
Children don’t always have the vocabulary to explain their motivation to you in the moment (if at all). So, often the words they use don’t give us a clear enough picture of what the problem is, or more importantly how to solve it. That is why you have to be a detective!
Although both the tantrum and the meltdown sound the same, and include some of the same behaviors, they are not the same: determining why the challenging behavior is occurring is where the answer lies. If your child is upset because they lack the skill to deal with the situation, it is a meltdown – which by definition means that ignoring it won’t make it go away, and punishing it sure won’t help either. If they have the skills to deal with the problem, then it *could* be a tantrum – but those are MUCH more rare than you think.
As parents we, for some reason, seem to gravitate towards the idea that our kids are attention seeking or manipulative, and that therefore all meltdowns are tantrums. The reason I believe we do this is because if our children are misbehaving due to those reasons, it requires less of us to fix it. Conventional wisdom would suggest we could ignore the problematic behavior, and it would go away – or even better – we could punish it away. I don’t know about your house, but mine doesn’t work that way. If I could time-out-away the problematic behaviors for ANY of my kids, my life would be ridiculously easy. But, alas, it’s not. : )
So let’s talk about how to play detective – sensory detective and skill deficit detective.
First skill deficit detective – detective hats on.
Scenario #1 – Suzie was with you when you bought ice cream at the store and she really wants some. As soon as you get in the door she is yelling. “I want some ice cream!” And when you say she has to wait until after dinner, she is in full flip out. Is that a tantrum or meltdown? Could be a tantrum – could be a meltdown. Does little Suzie have the skills required to wait? Or is waiting hard for her?
In our house, Matthew is awful at waiting. He gets an agenda in his head and by god there is no turning that child around. So, we have set it up to not push his waiting skills further than he can handle, or he is going to have a meltdown. For example, if you see us at McDonald’s, and we have agreed ahead of time (key here) that he can have ice cream, it is ordered with the chicken nuggets (mind you, we request a smaller than normal cone). He can eat both at the same time, and will eat both. At home, he knows that the routine is dessert (if any) will be after dinner – a predictable rule. But his ability to access those waiting skills at McDonald’s is greatly diminished due to other factors (tired, hungry, overwhelmed, excited, etc.) so I don’t test his waiting skills when he is less likely to succeed. You know your child best; did little Suzie use up all of her waiting skills getting from the moment you put the ice cream in the basket to the time you walked in the door? Maybe that was good waiting for her and she deserves the reward.
Scenario #2 – Little Suzie is playing in the cul-de-sac, and along comes the ice cream man. The kids come running to the street from houses away to greet the truck, and Suzie runs with them. But wait. You don’t buy ice cream from the ice cream truck – because it is filled with more chemicals than milk – and this is just something that is an existing rule for you – and Suzie knows it. Normally, when Suzie hears the music from inside, you offer her a juice bar, but this time since you are outside, and all of the kids are running to the truck as you are attempting to take her inside, she begins to lose it. Screaming, yelling, demanding ice cream. Is this a tantrum? I would say this one is more black and white – and it is a meltdown.
Why? My interpretation is there is a good chance she is having an emotional reaction to the feeling of being left out, not just wanting ice cream. This isn’t about what is better, a juice bar or an ice cream, or whether she knows it or not, it is about everyone else in the cul-de-sac getting to do something that she can’t – and wants to. Having the skills to handle feeling that left out, is out of Suzie’s developmental ability.
Now let’s talk more about how to tell when it is specifically a sensory issue. Detective hats on.
What we know about Little Tommy: Tommy is a sensory seeker; he craves deep pressure touch, and can be very busy at times. He likes things to go his way, and can be a ‘black and white’ thinker.
Scenario #1 – Little Tommy is playing on the floor in the family room. He has cars out, and he is pretending that they are having a race. His brother, John, walks up and lays down next to him. At first they seem to be playing fine, but then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Tommy starts to yell, and punches John over and over. Why did this happen?
Knowing the very little that I do about Tommy, I am going to guess one of two things happened: either his brother John happened to touch Tommy, perhaps too lightly, and that sent him into a sensory-meltdown (fight or flight). Or perhaps, his brother John may have broken an implied rule of the game – perhaps in Tommy’s mind the red car ALWAYS wins, and John made the green car win.
Needless to say, in both cases, it appears as though Tommy doesn’t have the skills necessary to respond adaptively, so he acted badly. The important part here is to recognize what the problem is, and address that – not just the reaction. Please note – this cannot be ‘punished’ away. All the time outs in the world won’t change Tommy’s mind about the NEED for the red car to win! You knew that, right?
Scenario #2 – Little Tommy has played hard all day, first at home with his mom, and then at developmental preschool all afternoon. Mom picks him up from school at 3:30pm and needs to go grocery shopping with him and his baby sister. Once in the grocery store, Little Tommy can’t keep his hands to himself, he is bugging the baby, can’t stop touching things in the store, and goes so far as to knock something off the shelves. Mom is feeling frustrated. By the time they get to the checkout counter, the overhead speaker comes on, “We have a special on crab legs today….” As soon as it starts, Little Tommy starts yelling and having a meltdown. Tommy isn’t usually sensitive to sound, so why is this happening?
Given how long Tommy’s day has been, the grocery store only made things worse. All of the lights, sounds, visual stimuli and people – that has Tommy on sensory overload – even if he is a seeker. How do I know? By the fact that he has had a long day – with new skills being taught and practiced at school, and by the way he was acting in the store – that behavior is caused by his sensory issues. And when that person came over the speaker, it may not have been louder than usual, but that was more than Tommy could handle – enter meltdown (not tantrum, because Tommy does NOT have the skills to deal with the grocery store after school — plain and simple).
How are those detective hats fitting? Are you getting the hang of this?
Determining the answer to “Is it sensory or is it behavior?” is a really complex issue — that said, you know your child better than anyone else – you are the expert!
Take the time to think about what is going on, because when you begin to recognize where the problems start, and why they did, the problematic behavior is avoidable — and doesn’t require you to punish more. This is 2011 and we should all have evolved past the “time out” strategy — special needs or not!
Have a question for me? Leave your most challenging sensory vs. behavior question below and see if you can stump me!
Comments
Lin
hello,
my name is Lin… im learning all this.. i can be a good judgement of what the 2 are… i just need to know how do you get a diagnosis ?
thank you…
Lin
Hartley Steiner
Lin – to get a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder you need to see an Occupational Therapist that is trained in sensory integration and can do an evaluation. There is a database of OTs at http://www.spdfoundaiton.net to get you started – or join http://www.sensoryplanet.com and post your question on the forums! Good luck! Hartley
Jennifer
OMG, this is WONDERFUL. Thank you!
I want to send this to my mom, who takes it as the sign of a Manipulative Child combined with Poor Parenting skills whenever my daughter shuts down and opts out. (Her alternative to meltdown; she seems to alternate between the two but leans to shutdown if she can manage it because–I believe–her Personal Dignity feels damaged if she melts down in front of other people, and it’s the one small thing she can sometimes control.)
I have nothing stumpable–just wanted to thank you for the post!
–Jenn
Hartley Steiner
Thanks for the comment Jennifer!
Joyce Herrmann
Thanks for posting this Hartley. Jennifer, I too have been called a poor parent. I know others that have too. We know what is best for our children no matter what others say!
Susan
Thank you for this. Very helpful. I may try to stump you later but at the moment I’m overwhelmed at the process of trying to determine root causes. Just living/getting through the days is exhausting enough! But I will dig deeper because I can tell that this is exactly how and what I need to do. Thank you again.
Hartley Steiner
It is exhausting, isn’t it?
The good news is that the better you are at recognizing root causes, the better you are at PREVENTING the problem. Let me know if I can help!
Linda
Ellen Notbohm is a great author on autism and all her books address the sensory/behavior connection. I suggest reading “the Behavior Equation” from her book, The Autism Trail Guide. You may be able to find excerpts on the Internet. In short, the equation is “Behavior = you + me + environment,” in other words, the environment and the way the adults in the situation handle things, leads to the child’s behavior. My experience as a mom of two older kids with significant sensory issues, is that things that start off as sensory related will eventually turn into a learned behavior. Example: My son had problems the fire alarm at his school. First time he experienced it, it was definitely too loud and caused tremendous anxiety. After that he would freak out at the mere mention of a fire drill. It took 6 years for him to get to a point of being able to tolerate fire drills.
Hartley Steiner
Linda – Ellen is great, isn’t she?! Often times trying something new, or experiencing something new (fire alarm, food, playground, etc) is a ‘one shot’ kind of thing for our kids. If it goes well – they love it. If it doesn’t go well – it triggers the fear of the first episode. I am glad to hear your son got over his fear of fire alarms! I still keep my son home on fire alarm days – one day a month we get a “Hookie Day” together.
Valerie
As an OT I can’t help but give you my “two cents” regarding playing hookey on fire drill days. I would recommend finding ways to help your child learn to cope with the fire drill rather than avoid it since one day it may not be a drill and he will need to exit the building to possibly save his life. The adults will be dealing with many children and may not be able to figure out how to get him to a safe place if he is melting down if they have not figured out ahead of time how to help him. This will be true when he is an adult as well and may be in an office building, apartment building, etc. when a fire alarm is set off. It may take years, like the other child who took 6 years, so no time like the present to start the process.
nita barnes
this was an AMAZING article! my daughter is on the fringe of being diagnosed with autism and we experience this daily! thank you!!! i plan on sharing this on my fb. SO many people do not understand! oh well, such is life i guess. thanks again for a great article!
Hartley Steiner
I am glad you liked it Nita! And thanks for sharing it with your friends and family – I hope it helps!
j. williams
thank you for this…stumbled upon at just the right time….my son is 7 and we are just getting diagnosis coming in…he has add and tourettes and the dr.s’ think nvld…but omg this sounds so much like him, and as embarassed as i am to say it, these strategies sure take a load off of the everyday fight we have -because i see now i am the one who is setting him up for failure- just because i need get my errands done without thinking of what i am interjecting him into….again thanx for the wonderful insight!!
Karen
Great post! My apraxic and SPD son is 9. We have a pretty good handle on what could set him off now, and how to prevent those meltdowns, but I wish I’d had this insight when he was younger. It’s hard to trust your instincts when everyone is telling you that you are a permissive parent and that he wouldn’t ‘misbehave’ if you were more firm with him.
Susan
Great info! So vitally important for anyone who has a child with SPD in their life. I wish I had been able to explain this to my close friends when my little man was a toddler. They didn’t get it. I realized that he couldn’t help his meltdowns, but didn’t understand the difference between tantrums and meltdowns- and thus, couldn’t explain it to others. My son didn’t have tantrums, I believe they were all, or 99% meltdowns, when he was a little guy.
Joanna
Excellent post! As an OT, I get this question all the time and help parents be the detective. Whew! I can be so hard. As a parent of 2 ASD boys, I find myself needed detective help myself. Well done, Watson! Printing this out and bringing it to work with me!
Hartley Steiner
Thank you for sharing the post Joanna! I hope it helps.
Missy
Awesome, awesome article. Thank you so much for this.
It is SO HARD to try and decide whether the issue is a true behavior problem or if it is a sensory/autism problem.
Can you come live with me? =)
Catherine T
Great info – thank you, I have a question for you, my Daughter was diagnosed Asbergers Sep of last year she turned 5 in March, she has done many of the behaviors you have listed above plus more and your reasons make so much sense mind you!
Anyway, my daughter has a tendency to have very willfull behaviour and non-compliance all while having a little rhy smile on her face – however at this point if she is still pushed yet further to comply after running off or not doing as asked ect…she will then have extreme emotions/reactions towards being touched or even forced to comply….why does she start this behaviour with this little rhy smile – when what comes after or during is genuine meltdown material??
Hartley Steiner
Catherine – It is hard to know what the situation is to tell why she is behaving a certain way. What I can tell you is that my middle son GRINS from EAR TO EAR as soon as he is in trouble. It is nerves. He can’t stop it, and the older he has gotten the more he is embarassed that he is smiling because he thinks he is going to be in trouble for it. For my youngest son, who may run off still, if he is forced to comply (safety issue), then I work with him on the “If you want to go see something, you have to tell me with your words – say, ‘mom, I want to go look at that sign’” He has come a long way with this – and yes, often times he just wants to run away and knows I will be upset. BUT he lacks the skill to communicate his needs to me before acting on the compulsion to go read the sign (typical Aspie thing!). I hope that helps!
Ilana
In every example you gave, kids are having meltdowns rather than tantrums, so do you never believe kids have tantrums?
Hartley Steiner
Ilana – Yes – all kids have tantrums, throw fits and otherwise act badly even when they have the skills to do otherwise. But usually – at least in my experience – it is obvious. Example: My 7 year old may be told that he isn’t going to get his iPod time because he has been arguing with his brother too much and hasn’t earned it. He will be upset. Take a fit – maybe stomp his foot, cry, yell, run to his room. But it is short lived. He is told that isn’t acceptable behavior, and we move on. If we took iPod from my youngest son (5 Aspie) he would meltdown for an HOUR because he lacks the skills to deal with disappointment, and a change in his schedule. That is a meltdown. He can’t shift to new schedule on the fly – so that isn’t a consequence for him. Does that make sense?
Jo
I understand what you are saying so how do you deal with a meltdown especially in a public place and how do you prevent them? If time out won’t help them what does. The thing i find so confusing is how unpredictable it all is, how they will react to something one day and not the next and “knowing” what will help without overstimulating even more!
Larissa H.
If you’re looking to prevent meltdowns, keep track of your kid’s activity tolerance. Some kids are perfect at 9 am, have the skills to do everything, but wrecks at 3pm because they’re tired and can’t access their skills anymore. Write notes if you have to, but make sure that you know how long your child can tolerate play/sports/school/group activities – ie bowling with other kids before he/she gets tired.
Then look at your schedule, and plan trips to the store, library, et cetera for days/times when there isn’t a lot of other activity. This will help your child not become too fatigued to access whatever skills they do have. Also think about if your child has been up late the night before, or if they’re sick (even with a cold), or if the week has been busy.
Lisa
Thank you for writing this. I struggled with this when my son was younger and more afflicted with S.I.D. I have learned that teaching coping skills through any scenario seems to work best. It is so difficult, especially when you are new to the diagnosis, to separate sensory from tantrums because they look so similar. Your article reminds us to slow down and take the perspective of our child(ren). Remembering to not overload his or her day and to have compassion for an overwhelmed child is key. Thank you!
Jennifer
This is very helpful. My son is 6 1/2 and we are STILL trying to figure out what sets him off sometimes. Yesterday was a prime example. We went to ST after a long day at school (not our normal schedule) and then out to dinner at a loud restaurant. Came home and DS was really down and watching a show. When I told him it was time to go to bed, he had a complete meltdown because he was already too low. We went from one extreme to another.
Schedule changes are a huge issue for us. Hindsight is 20/20 and we always have that a-ha moment when looking back at the events. I need to be better and charting what the changes were and anticipating what we can do to help him cope with these types of changes.
Thanks!
Jes
Hi! I really liked your post! It helped a lot. We’ve been going through this very situation.
I was wondering if you could give me some suggestions on my situation.
So my daughter Lilly who is 2.5yo was dx with SPD and is currently in OT. Any time we get to the doctors office, or even a place that looks like a doctors office, no matter if she is having a good day controlling her emotions or bad day, she instantly Panics..Major Meltdown. Drs. Nurses or even people just needing to give me paper work and it escalates 10x higher. Now she’s never had a bad experience, and by that I mean she’s never had to be over controlled by people she didn’t know, I usually suggest that I touch her and hold her since she is familiar with me. I know that in her mind she’s probably having a bad experience every time she enters these places, but I have no idea how to ease the fear. Any ideas?
Hartley Steiner
Hi Jes! I would suggest that she is upset by the environment – the lights are horrible in offices, smells, sounds, it could all be more than she can tolerate. And yes, she probably has had an experiece (no matter how small it seemed – like a bright light or an unfamiliar high pitched noise) that made her scared of the doctor’s office. I would suggest getting lots of kids books on doctor’s offices and reading them with her. Talk about how she feels (assuming she is verbal!), and maybe she can articulate what she hates. You never know unless you ask her!
Sarah
Thank you so much for this. My four year old son has been diagnosed with SPD with his OT and is a seeker. I have never heard about seekers needing everything to go their way and everything is black and white – that is SO my son.
He just started preK and is so worn down after school and then we have to go pick up my daughter everyday he yells about something that he wants (fast food, his car has fallen in the door, he wants to go to kroger for hot wheels…)and yells the whole 40 minutes in the car about it – he is just overly tired and cannot handle it I guess.
One thing I cannot figure out – where does SPD fit on the spectrum. Noone will tell me. I believe that it is on the left side of the autism spectrum – would you consider someone with SPD and sensory seeking to be “Autistic” if they do not display other typical autistic behaviors. I know every child is different, but we have been curious as to where SPD fits in???
Hartley Steiner
Hi Sarah! I want to be crystal clear here – SPD is NOT Autism. It is NOT on the spectrum. Sensory Processing Disorder is a neurological condition that affects the brains ability to send and recieve sensory messages. Autism is a developmental disorder that is characterized by language and social delays along with repetitive behaviors. And, although nearly 80% of kids with Autism have sensory issues, the opposite is not true. 75% of kids that have SPD have it as a STANDALONE disorder.
Good luck with your little guy and thanks for being a part of our community!
Bek
Sarah, I have heard it explained this way: SPD is not autism but it may belong to a broader phenotype that would also include sleep difficulties, attention difficulties, ADD/ADHD. Some of the research on younger siblings of those diagnosed with autism suggests that younger siblings who do not meet the criteria for autism may have the above issues. The diagnsing OT for my son said he was “on the larger neurological spectrum that included SPD, ADD/ADHD, and autism.
Lisa
I liked most of your information, but was a bit upset by the “You don’t buy into the idea that your child is “just spirited” do you? I didn’t think so.” I have a three year old that most people think is difficult. I have read a few books about spirited children and I think that a lot of the handling/coping techniques are very similar to what you are describing. Where do you see the significant difference?
Hartley Steiner
Lisa – Thanks for the comment! The significant difference between using the term spirited and acknowleding specific deficits for kids is that children like mine – with neurological challenges, skill defcits, developmental delays, and more have real diagnosable medcial concerns. The ‘spirited’ label suggests they are willful, stubborn, or just difficult. And although my kids can definitely be those things – when they are having a meltdown due to sensory or skill deficit problems the label ‘spirited’ does NOTHING to explain what is going on or more importantly how to help them (ie: teaching executive skills, handling emotions, reducing sensory input). I feel that ‘spirited’ is a dismissve term that hinders other people’s understanding of challenging children and can lead to a Behavior Plan in school as opposed to an IEP with accommodations. I hope that answers your questions! Thanks again!
Jo
What a brilliant article! I may print it and hand it out when my 4 year old is having a hard day and having a melt halfway home!
Hartley Steiner
Thanks Jo!
Susan S.
Had an Aha moment after talking with my son’s school counselor yesterday. I had to explain the difference between tantrum and meltdown to her. All the “advice” she was giving me to “help” my son be able to do homework after a school day (that leaves him spent), were tactics a person uses for behavioral issues, not regulatory or sensory issues. I don’t think she really gets it, still. I’ll have to print out this blog entry and give it to her.
Hartley Steiner
Susan – I am so glad you recognized that you were getting the wrong intervention! Homework is a learned skill – having the stamina at the end of the day to actually accomlish homework is incredibly hard for kids. Work into your son’s IEP modified assignments, or depending on how old he is, no homework at all until he is older!
katmoody
This was a great(!) article. While it stated some things I have learned over the years, it made me re-think a few other things about our youngest. It’s a bit complicated, though, so I have a stumper for you:
In our house, there are three boys who are autistic and generally play off each other’s triggers very nicely in the middle of a long afternoon (why, yes, that’s me grinning!).
Now, because I’ve been around for a while, I know much of the triggers and intercede often, explaining when appropriate and simply redirecting or providing some sensory intervention (deep pressure hugs work well, but just aren’t always tolerated). So here’s my stumper, and it’s a two-parter:
Logan, my youngest, has multiple diagnoses, including autism, epilepsy, and apraxia. He is nonverbal, and it’s difficult to impossible to understand how much *he* understands, much less react to his freak-outs and hitting sprees. After a dozen years of hands-on training, I generally can figure it out, but not often. How do you suggest narrowing down the list of ‘culprits’ in the nonverbal child?
The second part of the equation – we’re gearing up for a long summer and are brainstorming family activities that are sensory-friendly but also challenging and engaging for our crew. How can we best engage all three boys, with their varying levels of autistic sensory issues, in the summer fun without overwhelming them?
I do believe you said something about a challenge? I’m sure this is not that great of a challenge for you, and I do have many ideas myself (and hey, I write, so guess what’s going on my list of things to write about!), but I always end the summer feeling like I didn’t do enough to challenge my boys’ socialization with not only each other but also the outside world. I find that the combination of seizure activity and sensory problems makes this a much more thoughtful decision-making process rather than the spontaneous ones that most families enjoy during the summer. I could sure use an extra brainstormer – you up to my challenging questions? *gets out the notepad* I am waiting patiently for your response.
And hey, have an awesome holiday weekend!
Kat
Hartley Steiner
Hi Kat! I would love to brainstorm with you!
Logan – Nonverbal children definitely make things more challenging, but not impossible. You seem to be ontop of things, so I suggest you narrow down the list of the most likely suspects (ones you already know are triggers for him) and use photos/clip art of them to represent them in a binder. When the meltdown starts (assuming you haven’t cut it off at the pass), grab the book and see if you can’t get him to point to what is going on with him. Too loud? Too close? My brother’s a meanie? Ok, probably the last one would get pointed to each time. ; )
Summer – What is it they say about the best laid plans? Good intentions? Yeah…. One of the things I have to balance at my house (like you) is a diverse set of needs – both sensory and behvaiorally. So, I spend at least one day a week doing something “NORMAL” that is just slightly out of the box. Example: My youngest is delayed in large motor skills, my middle son is 7 and very physical/active, where as my oldest exhausts easily and is generally cranky when faced with physical exersion. So, perhaps I will take them to a playground away from our normal area (new sights, sounds, smells) – my middle son is excited for the novelty, my younger son can practice motor skills, and my older son might actually find something that holds his interest for more than a minute.
To take this futher – I might take them to a restaurant. It will test their skills in different arenas (waiting, new foods, manners, social norms – ie: giving up their seat for an adult, ordering their food, using a public restroom). If I am super crazy, I might do this AFTER the park to see how they can do when they are tired and hungry.
I am not sure this is what you are looking for, but for me this is where we need practice. We call them ‘adventures’. Some days I don’t even tell them where we are going or why! Now THAT tests them! Ha!
On our to-do list this summer is large public places I am afraid to take them alone (ie: Zoo, Aquarium), local area (walking through town, visiting multiple stores, library), sightseeing (tourists in nearby Seattle) and some things they have asked for (a visit to the firestation, touring a factory, visiting a farm, and/or picking apples/berries).
Ok – and since you mentioned you are a writer – will you write for us? Love to see your summer ideas with three boys!!
Thanks Kat!
Katrina
I was just getting ready to recommend this post and the site to a group of parents I’m a member of and thought to check for a reply. I’m so glad I did.
I loved your ideas. We’re all about social interactions this summer – but we’re also about family time. We’ve seen some great gains in practicing several of the same kinds of things you mentioned, but on a smaller scale.
LOL about writing for you – I actually signed up to do so when I first learned about the site but forgot the address for the longest time. I would love to write specifically about sensory things – I just wrote an article about summer play, sensory style for another brand new site. I might have to try and do my next one for SPD Blogger!
Thanks for answering the challenge. I find that addressing behavior problems for the non-verbal child takes an equal measure of patience and understanding. You can’t gain either one without practicing the other.
I was tickled to see you address my question. Logan isn’t quite ready to pick pictures – but will pick out or point to physical representations of things. Stepping stones. 
Thanks again — send me a line any time about writing. I would love to do so. Just keep a tad bit busy with this thing called parenting. (among other things, like the rest of life!).
Kat
Paulette
Thanks for a great article and a good reminder.
We made a mistake yesterday with pre planning. DD is 13 and many sensory issues have resolved. However the hormone issue does make it worse monthly. We made an unplanned stop at Target on the way to the movie she had been planning to see all week. Opened her car door and she was crying, arms crossed, head down. I recognized the meltdown and realized we should have prepared her, just didn’t think of it.
MarfMom
I’m beginning to see that my son’s meltdowns are very sensory based. He has autism and, I believe, SPD (no formal dx yet but the signs are quite obvious). So here’s my question: since many kids with autism do have SPD, do you think that behavior therapy is not useful? Or when do you think that it’s appropriate vs OT is needed? My son has meltdowns every day and often hurts himself or others in the process (nothing terribly serious, but it’s distressing). He’s also just aggressive in general. He’s in OT, but we’re also looking at starting ABA (whatever “behavioral therapy” early start has been providing has not done anything). I’m hoping working on both sensory and behavior together will bring results. Do you think that nearly everything can be traced to sensory issues though, and therefore behavioral therapy would not be useful?
Hartley Steiner
Hi MarfMom! You are asking a hugely important question – If it is sensory/skill deficit does behavioral intervention work?
This is where I have to remind you that I am NOT a medical professional, therapist or docotor of any kind. I am a parent. You knew that though, right?
Background info: For my oldest son (he has paved the way for the younger two!), we have seen three behavioralists. Each one suggested that we could do a functional behavioral anyalysis to determine the cause of my son’s challenges and then put togehter a standard behavioral plan to address them. We never did. (I should mention here that each of the behavioralists agreed with me that I had a firm understandig of what was going on with my son and how to help him and that they could not provide additional value.)
We didn’t go down the behavior path because we didn’t feel it would benefit our son(s). We have uses Collaborative Problem Solving in our home (www.livesinthebalance.org) for the past 7 years among MANY other things (like tools from Cognitive Behavior Therapy – CBT and Dialectiacl Behavior Therapy -DBT, plus things like Kelso’s Choices for problem resolution). And CPS is a very different approach to viewing behavior.
I know in my heart of hearts that my son(s) would do better if they COULD. I set expectations and we work to get there – no star chart or time outs required. So, behavioral therapy/modification wasn’t what my son(s) or my family needed.
Now, that is obviously oversimplified, and YES there are a bagillion things we are working on daily, and YES my son(s) have meltdowns, but I do not rely on the behavioral model to resolve our challenges – for any of my kids no matter their diagnosis.
Now your questions:
Is Behavior Therapy useful? Since I have never done it, I can only say that many people use it and it seems to work for their family.
Is OT more appropriate? I believe firmly in the value of Occupational Therapy for kids with sensory issues. All the punishments/rewards in the world will not solve a sensory issue. OT – with a sensory integration focus by a trained and experienced OT is invaluable for helping your child’s brain better interpret the information coming in – which results in more appropriate motor and behavioral responses.
Can everything be traced to sensory? If your child’s meltdowns (and therefore aggression) are rooted in sensory, then you really have to address the sensory before you can address the behaviors.
I hope that helps MarfMom! You’ve got good instincts – follow them!
Kristin
This is a wonderful posting, so helpful thank you. I especially like this approach “the theory that children do well if they can”
Gina @ Special Happens
Sometimes I have a hard time explaining this to the hubs. He thinks a lot is ‘bad behavior’ and it gets difficult to help him understand this… difficult especially when he’s frustrated and doesn’t have the energy to handle things appropriately himself. His response is always, that J doesn’t “get to get away” with acting “out” just because he’s tired…not understanding that he just doesn’t have the skills to cope with the fatigue from all he’s done in a day. Maybe one day.
Hartley Steiner
Gina – Hubby and I have similar issues – and when he gets ‘angry’ and raises his voice, the kids often comply. But that should never be confused with actual skill acquisition – but try telling him that! LOL We aren’t there yet here – and I think my kiddos are older than yours! Be patient!
Maureen
This article has opened my eyes to my daughter. She was evaluated for preschool and put on an IEP for speech delays but the OT also wants to watch her sensory processing. The child in the grocery store, after a day of other “stuff” melting down while people stare at me giving me looks like I am a bad mother, that is me. I didn’t truely understand what they were telling me about the sensory processing so I was doing research and came across your article. Thank you.
Meredith D
Hartly, I have met you, I love reading your Book it sits on my desk and when I am at a end of rope type of day I read it again and again and get hope! I feel like i was the one at the book signing asking about the two year old and SPD vs tantrum ir meltdowns at the Spotted Cow!
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk to you at some point about my Wonder-Son, we are moving more into the suspected “high functioning” autism status per his pedi and I am confussed, overwhelmed, and LOST!!! He needs so much help and I am wondering and being told not to listen to the Dr’s due to him only being 3 (last week) he is to young to be diagnosed, this from people who had to Google HFA! can you help? this is the only place I could find to reach out to you, I am sorry if it is not the approperate place, I am at a loss!!! You inspire me so so so much!
Thanks!
Meredith and wonder-son
Hartley Steiner
Hi Meredith!
I would love to chat with you more – please feel free to email me directly at hartleys@steinerigroup.com – but please note that I am SWAMPED right now with a ton on my plate, so please be patient with me for a reply!
Joyce
How early can you recognize a sensory challenge? My daughter is 1. She has Fetal Valproate Syndrome. Here are clues that I think something sensory is going on: Since she was born she has crying fits in which she simply can’t stop screaming or crying.She has screamed for 1 1/2 hours until she finally falls asleep. When she is eating,she doesn’t know when she is full. She screams every time we stop feeding her. She has a hard time changing activities – she has an unnaturally long attention span for her age. Are these signs of sensory challenges, or do I need to look somewhere else for answers? Thanks.
Jen
I have a stumper for you! I have a 6 year old with spd, she has been a normal eater her whole life, except she would avoid yogurt and applesauce, but nothing major. Now, she choked at school about 3 months ago, and since then stopped eating. The first month she lived on Danimals yogurt drinks and Pediasure. Now she will eat peanut butter spoonfuls, fishy crackers, candy, and junk food. We have started working with an ot about this and she says junk food is easier to dissolve. So, my question, how do I know this is not manipulative behavior, something sensory or anxiety about choking? Or is it a little of all? Is there something I am missing, looking at it from a sensory problem. I should also mention, she wasn’t a huge junk food fan before.
Patsy
I have two children. I thought my son (SPD) was very prone to tantrums from age 2 onwards, until my daughter (typically developing), 22 months younger than him, hit the terrible twos. The difference between them was so striking and I realised he hardly ever had ‘a tantrum’.
When she tantrums, it’s short-lived, it’s because she can’t have what she wants, and the ‘normally prescribed’ strategies (ignoring, distraction, time-outs) work a treat. Five minutes later – sweetness and light again. My son’s meltdowns last so much longer, are so much more intense, and are completely out of his control.
I now feel so guilty at all the times I tried to ‘do the right thing’ and ignore him, not reinforce the behaviour etc etc, when in reality he was utterly overwhelmed and needed me to understand what was going on. My go-to strategy now is squeezy cuddles till the deep pressure calms him – I just wish I’d understood that 3 years ago.
I have only just found this blog and posts here have brought me to tears of recognition many times today.
Jo
Patsy
That’s exactly what was my son was like and the difference between him and my younger daughter was the same. My son recenekt diagnosed at age 6yrs with mild DCD (developmental Coordination Difficulties) with some SPD.
We have strategies and advice to do but I still find it hard to work out which ones work etc. It’s the behaviour that i find hardest to deal with because when he copes with everything he’s the most gorgeous child ever! I find it very confusing and am just ordering the book “the out of sync child” to try and understand it
Jo
radar5
I’ve just found your blog and I wanted to say thank you! This was an excellent post.
I also have three boys, one of whom is a sensory avoider and has Asperger’s. My youngest son is a sensory seeker and we may also be dealing with Adhd.
I would like to know more about toys or activities for sensory seekers who immediately break new toys because they want to see how they work. Are there any good toys made for the purpose of tearing apart and rebuilding? He’s bored with Legos and blocks. He wants something that’s a challenge to take apart. I want something that we can also put back together. (He’s incredible at building, but tearing apart is more fun. lol)
Janice Keeney
Thank you for writing this. I have always asked what was going on before (whatever she did). My daughter is a senosry seeker as well. She gets frustrated very easily and she is very set in her ways. It has become increasingly harder to get others to understand that sensory issues is not an excuse, it is part of who she is and how we deal with our day. *sigh* so thank you for being a voice for us.
AB
Hmm.. what does it mean to have evolved past the “time out” strategy? To be honest, when my son is having a meltdown or tantrum… I send him to his room to calm down. It is a quiet place where he can regroup and think about what he has done. I don’t know… perhaps I am doing it all wrong, there is such a hard learning curve to this.
Lynnette Hall
Hi, I’m new to all of this. I’m not sure if my son has spd, but his therapist be saw over the summer seemed to think he does. I’m trying the best I can, but after hemorrhaging money on programs and evaluations for our son, hubby and I decided to take the school district approach. Our son qualified for and is currently enrolled in our PPCD program. He seems to be doing well, but there are days I feel so I’ll-equipped to deal with him at home. I’m trying to redirect my thinking that it’s a meltdown and not a tantrum, but there are days I feel he’s being stubborn bc he wants life on his terms. I’m hoping to find some insights from this site. Thank you for posting this.
Alysia
Hi and we’re so glad you’re here! There are definitely days that will feel harder than others, but we’re glad that you’re getting help through the school. Are you working with an OT as well (either at home or with the school?) They should help give you some good strategies for dealing with challenging home behaviors, and for determining what is a sensory meltdown and what is a developmentally appropriate tantrum. Our site has great information too – search for “sensory diet” and you’ll get some great ideas for home activities for your son to help him regulate his senses at home.
And know that you’re not alone in trying to figure this all out. Every day our site has posts from parents going through exactly what you are. Check back every day for a new story. We’re here for you.
Rachael
PHENOMENAL ARTICLE! We have been in the SPD world for 3 years…we were discharged from therapy and moved 3 hours away. Our little sensory seeker has had quite the time adjusting. It has made life rough for us. She is normally very very sweet and fun to be with (when she is not in a heightened alert) has reverted to screaming (needing the heavy lifting/pushing, and deep pressure)…poor little girl. We had a long talk with our therapist about what to do…so off we were to find parks so she could get her deep pressure.
Next thing I knew she kicked her big brother quite hard, and shoved him (two separate instances). Thank you SO MUCH for scenario #1 with Little Tommy…That was THIS WEEK! I totally dealt with it wrong and punished the action, rather than the root. As I was thinking about it, I realized that she probably didn’t realize how rough she was treating her brother.
I am LOVING all your pinterest posts! THANK YOU! I would love to see more deep pressure activities, as that is where we currently are.
Again, thank you for this article!!!!!!!
Shell
Hi – thanks for great article! My son was diagnosed with SPD today! And already we feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I am busy ready ‘The Out of Sync child’ but haven’t finished yet.
I want to ask – how do you calm them down – or ‘un’load once they have been overloaded? (ie today my boy is overloaded after being at the OT, new person, place and toys!! ) He is 3yrs old, wont sleep (although he really needs it!) and wont sit still, being rough with his sister, biting me and throwing stuff. How do I stop this? Or must I just work through it? Thanks
Sue Ann
I enjoyed your article on Sensory Seekers and Sensory Avoiders, a great tool for navigating through sensory patterns and explaining to parents!
Do you have the Registration & Sensitivity piece? Thanks
Sybil
As a mother of a child with SPD and as a School Psychologist, I appreciated your take on distinguishing between meltdown and tantrum. I totally agree, that the reason for the behavior is the key, not the behavior itself! Thanks for sharing!!
Tracy Haggett
Hi Hayley,
My four year old daughter has SPD which we are managing as best we can on a daily basis. She has suddenly developed an obsession with hair on anything to the extend that she will not sit on the couches, wont sleep in her bed unless its on top of me, goes through so many new items of clothing in a day if she thinks there is a hair on it. It is driving me crazy as I dont know why this started.
Please help!!!
Kimberly
Thank you for this article. I was on the verge of my own meltdown today when I stubbled across this. My son just turned 3 in february. He was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder when he just turned 2. I also have a 5 yr old girl and 8 yr old boy who are not affected by SID. I would love any advise you have to offer on my sons meltdowns. I try to b prepared anywhere we go (with items tht will keep him occupied and still) he’s not a real ‘seeker’ he don’t have to b busy all the time and besides his fits he behaves very well. He is smaller b/c he don’t eat a lot and is very particular about food. He won’t eat things like puddings, mash potatoes, ice cream, yogurt, anything with weird consistancies. But his fits have been out of control lately. I am trying to figure out what all triggers them. For example yesterday we were at the ball park and I only had 2 jackets and they were both his, my daughter was cold so she put his other jacket on. He had a 45 minute meltdown because tht was his jacket! And then after I finally got him calm she still had his jacket on and wore it the rest of the game and he didn’t even seem to notice or care. If anyone else tries to talk to him or anything he will smack at them and scream
its times like these tht I just don’t know what to do. He kicks, screams, Smacks me. Ignoring him or putting him in time out does nothing. He will scream for an hour. And often times I think he forgets why he’s even screaming. The only way to get him to calm Down is for me to calmly tell him its ok, pick him up and cuddle him tight. I often get told I am ‘coddling’ him and he’s just spoiled. I just don’t know what to do anymore. And all to often I catch myself asking ‘is this behavior or sensory issues? I wish my town had support groups or connections to other parents dealing with the same thing. I am sorry for venting but I feel like iif I. Had the resources and some guidance to help figure out what’s going on it would help my family tremendously. Thank you for your time
Lauren
This is a great post. I am in the process of having my three year old evaluated for SPD and was told by her preschool teacher that her behavior is “typical of an only child who is spoiled” so now I’m searching for both a diagnosis AND a new preschool. Yet, they ignore her behavior and it’s not getting better so attention seeking is clearly not the issue. I have known my girl was sensory since birth and this article came at a time when I needed it most. Looking forward to reading more
Melissa
Hello and thanks for the informative article. I have a 3 year old who has been described as spirited and willful but I’m concerned that some of our battles are more then just disciplinary issues. More then half of the meltdowns he has are about clothes, shoes, seatbelts, lotions etc. I constantly hear “something’s not right” from him followed by a meltdown to which no time out or discipline works. If I don’t cut the top of the yogurt tube straight or cut his sandwhich into 4 squares instead of two he can flip out. It feels like walking on egg shells around him. Some of the other SPD clues don’t seem to line up but I’m wondering if it is related. Thank you!
Alysia
Hi! This definitely sounds like he has more going on than “spirited”. Have you been evaluated by an OT? Is he in preschool yet? Sometimes getting those eyes on a child can help narrow down what is going on. Check out books like “the out-of-sync child” and see if any of those “red flags” fit your son. There is help out here for you and him to help manage those “something doesn’t feel right”moments. Good luck.
Marsha
I have a 10 year old who melts down at school when
He gets an answer wrong or is struggling with a
School work problem. He got an answer wrong
Yesterday and melted down for 45 min. The school
Social worker had to be called to get him from the classroom.
This has been going on since the age of 2 and its improved
Somewhat but I’m at a loss how to deal with this. We see a therapist for coping skills but my son refuses to attempt to use them or is he just unable to use them. I worry about the stresses that are going. To come with 6 th grade. I’m scared
Alysia
I am so sorry things are hard for him. School can be the toughest stressor. Is he seeing anyone else at school? Are they making any accommodations for him? It might help to get an outside evaluation done to pinpoint his strengths and challenges so he is feeling better about himself and you can help him find his way. Good luck.
Dawn
My son is 4yrs old and he is having sensory processing disorder and is having treatment for that BUT that is not the only problem I am having…..my son is very demanding, if I go go to pick things up he will have to put them all back and have to start again! I cannot go to toilet because he has to come with me so he can pass me the tissue and then flush the the chain and he has to put the handwash on me, if this is not done in that order, he will have a meltdown and then we will have to repeat the process again. This is just an example of my day to day life!!! I am waiting to see a pediatrician since last July, things are getting alot worse for me with him!!!! He has to know what we are doing for the day as soon as wakes up
Could you please help me many thanks
Alysia
I think many of us understand this very much! One thing that worked with my kids was a visual schedule – using pictures whenever possible. Transitions are really hard for our kiddos, so using this schedule helped them to know what was coming. It could even be so basic as eat breakfast, watch a show, get dressed, get shoes on, go in car, go to store, etc. we took it with us everywhere.
As for the not any time alone like in the bathroom a simple social story might help there too. Google social story and it will give you some examples but you could use the computer to type it out. Again something very basic as “when mommy needs to use the bathroom” as the title. And then like “mommy needs to use the bathroom, she needs to be in there alone. While mommy is in the bathroom I can sit outside the door and play with x or read my favorite book” and use pictures to show what he can play with or read. Then finish it with when mommy comes out I can turn out the light or something that gives him a job.
I hope this helps a little and I hope you get some info from your doctor soon.
EHCMom
Hugs to you Dawn. That sounds very challenging. I don’t know if it will help, but I would recommend the book Effective Parenting for the Hard to Manage Child. The way it’s arranged you don’t have to read the entire book–just the chapters that outline how to approach different behaviors that your child has.
Sharee
I know its been a long time since this post was written but I was searching and found this. I know my daughter has sensory processing but dont have a diagnoses. She tends to be “different” dont they all? In the fact that our BIGGEST issues are these MASSIVE melt downs, yes meltdowns, when transitioning between activites or after being “over stimulated”. ALl my friends think im a bad parent. If anyone feels like emailing me back or being supportive i could use it!
EHCMom
I was in your shoes just four short months ago, and now meltdowns are mostly a thing of the past. I know this may sound like hocus pocus, but I put my daughter on the Feingold Diet (feingold.org), and her behavior has been completely transformed by eliminating the things recommended for the diet. The biggest offenders affecting behavior are artificial colors, artificial flavors, certain preservatives and petroleum products. In addition, there are certain fruits, vegetables and spices that have a natural chemical called salycilate that affects some people. This is a very brief explanation, but I recommend you read about it more extensively on the website mentioned above. I would not and am not making this up. My daughter’s behavior is dramatically different because of this diet (way of eating). She was having 3-4 meltdowns a day, getting out of the house in the morning was a battle, teeth and hair brushing was war, and she was scaring me every day with banging her head on the floor during meltdowns. The last meltdown occurred about three weeks ago because I messed up and let her get blue paint (artificial blue dye) all over her hands and under her nails and didn’t make her wash thoroughly right away. Typically if she is exposed to one of the no nos, the reaction lasts about two days, but for some kids it lasts much longer. For the “normal” naughty behavior incidents, we applied some techniques found in the book Effective Parenting for the Hard to Manage Child by Georgia Degangi and Anne Kendall. As a result of these things and the resulting benefits, I don’t dread waking up in the morning or coming home from work any more.
Alysia
Hi! I just posted to Dawn above some tips to help with transitioning. I would also try to get in to see a qualified OT who can give you some good sensory diet ideas and ways to work through a meltdown. Just remember you aren’t a bad parent and our kids just have a harder time than some others do. Hang in there.
chandler nichols
Hi there, I have a 2-year old daughter. A bit delayed in her speech, butshe is finally getting the hang of it. These past couple months she has been throwing horrible fits out of nowhere. By horrible I mean I’m almost in tears, because I don’t know how to help herbecasue she can’t tell me what is wrong. She screams, tenses up her whole body and reaches for me to hold her but then when i go to hold her she pushes me away and screams louder. I finally took her in to her pediatrician, I was then referred to children’s, where they ran a series of tests and found nothing. So now I’m cluless on what to do. She is literally a light switch, she throws the trantrums out of nowhere last agood 45 mins, when she is done, she is happy go lucky and back to beinga 2-year old. Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.
Alysia
Hi! I would curious to know what tests they did – were they physiological (like testing for food allergies or something like that) or did you have a developmental eval done? You might want to consult an OT in your area – get a referral from the speech pathologist working with her – just to get another perspective as to what might be going on.
Hope that helps a bit.
chandler nichols
Wrote this via cell phone, forgive the typos!
Joy
This is a good article, but I think that whether it’s a meltdown or a fit, the behavior should be treated the same. The sensory aspect comes in the preparation for a certain situation, like planning sensory breaks and knowing and avoiding known triggers. Just because the child has sensory problems doesn’t mean you still can’t teach appropriate behavior. It’s just a lot harder and needs a LOT more consistency from parents and caretakers. Just my opinion though.
Joy
Oh…and for us, the functional behavior assessment and the sensory evaluation was our most useful tools for helping determine my son’s triggers. I discovered that dairy foods always make him aggressive, which is most likely gut issues. The biggest advice I have for parents having problems is ABC. Antecedent, behavior, consequence. Document, document, document everything. Even things like a new person coming by or a new food being introduced. A pattern will eventually emerge!
Molly
My son has not been diagnosed but I read your blog because we have a few issues with food textures, issues with change, and most recently issues with clothing(footed pjs, changing from short sleeves to long) and a lot of your blogs speak to me in regards to dealing with my son’s “quirky” behaviors. He just turned 3 and though we’ve been easing into the idea of potty training for over a year (potty seats, books, a DVD, and bought training pants) my son is ADAMANT that he won’t wear underwear or use a potty. He cries and panics the few times ii’ve put the undies on him. He says over and over to get them off. After we read the stories (which he likes) when we talk about he says, “that’s not what we do.” Which is his standard answer when he disagrees with an idea or finds the choices unacceptable. He doesn’t mind sitting on a potty and has more than willing sat very briefly. He loves to flush for his daddy and loves to hand me toilet paper when I go so I don’t think the bathroom or potty procedures are the issue I’m pretty sure it’s giving up the diapers and wearing underwear that he doesn’t want to do. I’ve tried to make sure the undies aren’t overly tight, are soft to the touch, etc. Any suggestions on how to get him more comfortable with surrendering diapers and wearing undies? My mother says to just take all diapers, changing table, etc away but I think that would cause an EPIC meltdown and with something like potty skills that seems like a bad idea.
mrstommyb
Shell posted a question about getting her child to calm down during the meltdown. We are having the same problem. What are good calimg techniques for during a meltdown? My son is 4 and gets very agressive during meltdowns. We try to do big hugs and deep pressure but he doesn’t want to be touched. We have things for him to hit and squeeze but he wont use those either. We wind up having to wait it out which takes anywhere from a half hour to two hours! Any suggestion s?
Do any of you have thoughts about telling my 4 year old that he has spd?
Lauren
This is a great article I have shared with so many. I have a four year old girl with SPD and we have spent the last two years fighting teachers who have called her a “typical spoiled only child who lacks discipline” and the school district who told us that her emotional issues “are not their responsibility”. She is finally getting services and has been in two preschools in two years because no one seems to know what to do with her. It is so frustrating..she is a sweet, smart and compassionate little girl and it breaks our hearts to see her judged due to peoples’ ignorance and lack of being educated. Even as a special ed teacher myself I didn’t know the depths of SPD until I saw it in my own child.
Tornado Max
So awesome, thank you! Here is a scenario for you, daily scenario…
First background info…5yr son recently diagnosed with Non verbal learning disability, but I think more of a mix of Aspergers and SPD. He experiences difficulties with fine motor skills, so I do understand that putting on shoes is tough for him, but he can also be quite lazy. If he has something exciting, he will get his shoes on quickly without much fuss, but most days putting on shoes ends up with crying, yelling and throwing fits. My question is: laziness and tantrum, or genuine difficulty and meltdown? He is also terrible with transitions, so would the act of putting on his shoes be pushing him over the edge each time because he is already struggling with the transition that follows, eg, putting on shoes = leaving a location, or going outside? How should I handle this situation? I do offer to put one shoe on and he do the other which does help, but I feel like this is something he should be doing by himself.
Lynnette
I’ve just read this article as i am feeling really confused with my 9 year old daughters “meltdowns”. She has only recently been SO out of control with her behaviour that we have had to do something about it. An OT has been treating her with SPD, which we have had issues with her around clothing since she was 3 so its good to get some advice there. But, her out of control behaviour is now at breaking point. She is now refusing to go anywhere and getting her to school is a real struggle. This morning she refused to get her clothes on (the same clothes she has been wearing for over 8 weeks straight now!) so I had to take her to school naked, kicking and screaming in the car (meltdowns over getting in the car are pretty normal these days)! – One of the mums had to get her dressed and in the classroom cause she just would NOT do it for me.. My husband and I are left confused as to WHY this clothing issue has gotten so out of control, when previously she used to be able to manage it… With help from us of course.. There has been no major changes in our lives.. Just seemed to flare up at the end of last year.. We are slowly getting help, but feeling like we are held to ransom is very frustrating at times. Thanks so much for your post, its helped me to try and notice the difference between meltdown and tantrum..
The Anonymous OT
Hi Hartley,
Great explanation of how to examine the details of a child with SPD’s behavior. I often have parents of the children I work with try to journal or write down as many “clues” as they can find. Thanks for the great article!
Jill
I have a one year old daughter and daycare is telling me that they think she might have SPD. They printed out a checklist and checked off behaviors they have observed. I feel as though a lot of the behaviors are typical for a child her age. Things like attaching or clinging to a trusted adult, having short attention span, being constantly on the move… I spoke with the pediatrician and they believe that my daughter is progressing fine and meeting all her developmental milestones. In fact she has been consistently ahead of the game, crawling at 6 months, walking at 9 months.
I guess my question is when should a child be diagnosed with SPD? Isn’t one year old a little early to diagnose a child who i meeting all the milestones?
Alysia
The first question I would have is are you seeing these things at home too or just school? And are they interfering with daily activities? Those are two key points when figuring out if there is something sensory going on.
I would ask to try to observe her at school or have the teachers give you specific situations that you can then bring to a doctor. If you’re really concerned you can have early intervention come and do an assessment. If only to ease your mind.
We have a red flags list here on our site too if that helps you see anything at home.
EHCMom
My input would be that it wouldn’t hurt to get an OT evaluation to determine for sure. If she does have SPD, the earlier treatment begins, the greater the chances she will adapt and move toward behaving in the normal range. If the OT finds she does not have SPD, you have that assurance. My daughter had issues beginning at 2, which in hindsight were SPD symptoms, but no one mentioned SPD to us until she turned 5 and the behaviors were continuing. Much could have been gained in those three years. That’s my two cents worth.
SpoonieJen
Hi, I saw this post on Twitter. I was wondering — what do you do instead of a timeout, regardless of whether or not the child has developmental issues? Is there a difference in the punishments? I babysit (don’t have kids yet, but am 24), and am -extremely- curious. I was studying to become an elementary school teacher, but had to stop because of medical problems. This question has been on my mind for a while!
Thank you hon!
Jen
michelle jaycox
Hi I was reading your article and I am trying to get to the bottom of what I can possibly do to help my 13 year old daughter.neither one of us gets any sleep and I am so desperate for help.I don’t know what to do. She has learning and developmental disorders and she used to repeat the same question 5 or 6 times day and I thought that was frustrating. Well now it has turn into asking the same question back to back consistantly for an hour and a half to six hours straight at a time.it seems as tho I answer her and it doesn’t seem to sink in with her that I’ve already answered her and she just keeps asking. For example,one question she might say is”are you gonna pick me up at 3 o’clock?” I will say”yes I’m gonna pick you up at 3″ she will say”do u promise?” I say”yes I promise”. She will then start whining as if I told her no and say”but I just want you to pick me up at 3″ and I tell her”I just told you that I will pick you up at 3″ and she will say”well are you?” And I say”yes I told you I would”. And she will say”I want you to say the whole thing” so I will say” yes I will pick you up at 3 o’clock I promise” and she wll STILL keep asking for hours on end.I know she can’t help it but I am a single parent(since she was 6 months old) and I am getting so frustrated that often I just break down and cry.I don’t know what to do.it is so overwhelming.her neurologist says she has anxiety and wants to to get her counseling but I know that it has got to be more than that and I know that counseling alone will not help.one of her biggest disabilities is communcation and understanding/comprehending.it is almost as if a switch just turns off in her head and when I answer her her brain is just not even validating that I have justanswered her.I feel she may have some sort of sensory processing disorder along with anxiety.I have tried many things and nothing has worked. I tried askin her”what did you just ask?” And she will tell me..
Then I say”and did I answer you?” She will say”yes”(but sometimes she will say no even tho I did) and I say” and what was my answer?” And if she acknowledges that I answered her she will tell me my answer,if she does not acknowledge that I did she will say”u just keep ignoring me”.I have also tried(as suggested by a friend and a psycologist) hanging the answer on her wall to remind her of my answer and that does not work and I also tried giving her something of mine to give back to me when I pick her up and that does not work either.I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown so for tonight I gave her a little melatonin just to have 1 nite of a break but she even fought that for 2 hoursafter I gave it to her before she fell asleep.but I don’t want to keep giving her that because I know it can cause your body to stop producing its own melatonin..that specicific question was just an example(that’s the one that is asked the most often but every night she finds a question to get stuck on) they vary from”are you gonna pick me up at 3 o’clock?” To”am I going to Nonnys to see her tommorrow?” to “is Joel gonna come see us tommorrow?” to “are we still going to the mall tommorrow?” …I feel that one thing that may have played a factor in this is that I had a boyfriend that lived with us(and his mom moved in too) and him and his mother were both mean to her and come to find out he had told her that the cops would take her away if she don’t listen and she would never see me again.I don’t know how often he told her this but she did used to ask the same things 5 or 6 times a day before I met him but ever since I had I kicked them out because of how they treated her the repeating has escalated to hours on end (it got this much worse about a week after they left).I really pray to God that you may have some suggestions.I don’t know what to do anymore.please help.thank you so much.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Bek
Wow! It does sound like anxiety over not knowing what to expect — extreme anxiety though. Can you get her a calendar and draw pictures of what she will do each day that she can count on (going to Nonny’s house for example)? When she asks you, tell her to go look at her calendar. Alternatively, get a dry-erase board and post it in a prminent place in the house. Each night draw what the next day is going to entail (school, Nonny’s, park, grocery store trip, whatever) so she can see it and you can point her to it rather than have to answer her. Another option is to draw these pictures on paper and post the ones that apply to the day on the wall instead of using a dry erase board.
There is a book called “When My Worries Get Too Big” that might be useful for you and her as well.
JennB
I certainly got some great insight from your initial post. I have an almost two year old daughter who is a chatterbox. Although she talks a great deal, she screams when I put clothing on her. In public places, like the park or picking up my older daughter from dance, she will see other children and just begin screaming at them. Almost like she is telling them to get off of her turf. When adults approach her, she screams and turns her head as well. She has hit before and we do time-outs in her crib. I should add that I work full time, (a special education teacher I may add, which makes me evaluate my own children even more). We have a babysitter who brings her own son who is a few months older than my daughter. Throughout the day, she has to compete with him for a lot of things, almost like having a twin. My sitter gives into my daughter because she says it is her house and her things. I reinforce with my sitter that she has to be consistent with what my husband and I do…Her son is almost non-verbal and the times I have observed both of them together, he barely says a word. He screams…So I gather that she may be mimicking this behavior and transferring it to those out in public? She does hold a crayon nicely as well as a fork and a spoon.
Any insight is greatly appreciated! I am going to get her evaluated because I know it can’t hurt.
Sincerely,
Jenn
~B
How do I tell the difference between sensory processing disorders or behavioral?
Noa’s meltdowns have me in shambbles lately. I am tapped out. I know they get bad around birthday. But they seem extra bad this last month or so and they are never completely gone.
How many meltdowns a day are normal for a 4 year old? How about intensity?
I am meeting with her Ped for her yearly and plan to mention it. But how hard should I push?
Lately they have literally interfered with our daily lives. We can’t do anything fun or exciting with out meltdown. She has also been getting stuck in the rote sentences. Like today a meltdown was simmering and she had a stroller and just kept saying “I’m the Mom I’m the Mom I’m the mom” she was play a game with babies with her cousin. I looked at her and go “ok your the mom!” It didn’t matter “I’m the mom i’m the mom I’m the mom.” She inevitable had meltdown my husband had to leave the room with her.(we were having a party for Zaka’s birthday.) she came back fine but I suspect didn’t get “it” all out. Because she had another meltdown over the shopping cart soon after that. Again he had to leave the room with her.
We offer food all day. We even feed her much of the time. She doesn’t eat enough. When it’s time for bed she says “my eyes just won’t shut” she does end up Fallon asleep soon bit than wakes super early. I feel she is not recognizing hunger cues and having trouble sleeping. Which causes some of the sensitivities. But these too can be sensory processing problems.
We run a pretty free home. Maybe she needs more structure? IDK
Today on Mothers Day I feel like a horrible parent. and with my whole family there watching her meltdowns knowing my parenting style I am sure we’re sitting there going “Yep, that’s what you get when you do that child-equality gentle parenting.” Not that this will change my style at all or that they even understands child. But I feel bad, she is being judged as bad behavior, spoiled kid and I have a bad parenting style. It sure doesn’t help my already often criticized parenting stance.
So am I parenting wrong and have bad behavior on my hands? Or might we have some unaddressed sensory issues that are making everyday activities difficult?
EHCMom
Jenn,
If you read back through this thread, you can read about my daughter’s success and how she attained it. Here’s a link to the website that explains the diet:
http://www.feingold.org/overview.php
TforTired
Hi
This is a great site. My 4 year old son has SPD as well as GDD (speech/language & low muscle tone/fine motor skills). He has been with early intervention since the age of 2.5 and has a treating team – OT, speechie, psych, physio. Assessments are rarely able to be completed, like wise interventions and therapy sessions as my son is EXTREMELY impulsive and EXTREMELY active and has EXTREME attention deficit.
The latest report states he is a complex case. I have just been assessed for early childhood development programme (which is awesome) and waiting to hear result. He is also at kindy with a special one-on-one worker also.
My problem is, and I can’t seem to find much info on it – is that my son won’t let me out of his site when we are together and needs to be constantly touching me or right next to me. This gets so draining when I have work to do and no diversions or redirections or fun lone activities appear to work. He is also the same with his brother (who is 15 – no Dx). Also, I am still finding it so difficult to go anywhere with my little beetle because of the SPD, impulsiveness, and attentional issues. The grocery store, park and pool is as exciting as it gets for him. Which is so sad. I guess I’m just so so tired and want to take away the issues he is experiencing and restore a little bit of peace to our house for my little family.