**

i sit on the floor of brooke’s room

her head is cradled in my lap – her long, lean body sandwiched between my outstretched legs

i look at her upside down, searching her face helplessly

i desperately hope i’m not hurting her

but she keeps pressing my hands harder, harder, then harder still into the sides of her head

she is shaking

i impulsively wipe a tear as it slowly drips down her cheek

she screams

panicked

“NOOOOOO!”

wiping the tear took my hand from her ear

she grabs it and swiftly replaces it to its station

“YOU WOULD HOLD MY EARS!” she yells

the tension in her voice is palpable

i press my legs around hers

“sorry, baby. i’ll hold them now. don’t worry, i’ve got you little one”

i hold her body in mine

it’s all i have

to protect her from the demons

**

katie stands on her sister’s bed and peers behind the headboard

she shakes her head as she calls out to us in a sing-song

“nope, she’s not here!”

she is trying to help her sister find the latest stuffed animal to have been swallowed whole by our house

katie is so eager to help

her selflessness nearly kills me

‘don’t worry, brooke, we’ll find periwinkle!’ she says

so sweet, so sincere

god, i love that child something fierce

there could not be a better sister

for all her foibles

(and yes, she has foibles)

she is a wonder

i don’t want to hurt her

i don’t want her to carry the weight on her shoulders

ever

i don’t want her to know that getting her out of the room is the one thing that can ease her sister’s distress

but i’ve got to separate them

she hiccups again

and hell breaks loose

a hiccup – something that should be so small

hell, the word’s secondary definition is ‘a minor difficulty, setback or interruption’ – no worries, it was just a hiccup

yet not to brooke, whose entire sensory system is under siege

she jams her knuckles in to the backs of my hands, trying to force more pressure onto her ears

i wince

she is hurting my hands

i don’t care

**

“we’re ok babe,” i say, “it’s ok”

i say it to myself. i know better than to say it aloud

she hates, the “it’s ok”

for years, it was what i said

without knowing

YEARS

now it’s a silent mantra

it’s as much for me as it it would have been for her anyway

it always was

she needs me calm

so calm it is

i stuff the fear and the sadness and the rage

it’s all i can give her

all i can do

and i’ve got to do something

**

katie hiccups again

brooke kicks against my legs

her whole body tensing against the attack

she lets out an involuntary shriek

and presses my hands harder into her head

**

luau is getting ready to go run an errand

he’s got to go pick up the car from the shop

“hey, katie”

i’m trying to sound cheerful

it rings false

i sound like an overly enthusiastic host on a kids’ variety show

katie’s on her belly on the carpet now, searching for periwinkle between brooke’s mattress and the trundle-bed below

her solicitousness is almost more than i can bear

“sweetie, why don’t you get dressed and go with daddy?”

she cranes her neck to look at me

her nose is scrunched in pre-teen disdain

“to the car dealership? ewwww”

“it’ll be fun,” i say

she must know i’m full of crap

but i keep trying

brooke is breathing hard. her face is red. she looks as though she’s just run a marathon

“you’ve been saying you’ve wanted some alone time with daddy! you can – um, be alone in the car with him!”

god, i’m lame

luau comes running in, having heard the latest scream

“you guys ok?” he asks, breathless

i will him to understand

to see the desperation behind my casual words

“honey, i was just telling katie how much fun it would be for you two to go pick up the car together!”

he looks at brooke

he looks at me

it all makes sense

thank god he gets it

he nudges katie into her room

“c’mon, kiddo, come with me! it’ll be fun!”

i mouth a silent and grateful ‘thank you’

**

after they are gone, i carry brooke into my room

she’s exhausted

and so am i

i let her turn on the tv

we settle in to watch together

diego is saving a lemur, or a tree frog, or something

i can’t manage to care

she lays across me, her head nuzzled into my neck, an arm across my shoulder

finally, calm has come

the storm has passed

**

hiccups

nothing more than god damned hiccups

i want to scream for my girl

i want to shake a fist at the sky and ask how on earth any of this makes any sense

i don’t

i look down at my baby

i stroke her hair

i wrap both my arms around her and squeeze

she says one word

‘love’

‘yes, baby,’ i say in return

‘love’

and silently i add

‘we’re ok’

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