Last week, I shared an experience that I had with my son in a grocery store.  He had a sensory meltdown, and the adults around us responded inappropriately.  That post resonated deeply with the autism community because so many of us have had negative public experiences with our kids.

I do not believe that the world is full of heartless people who routinely go around making fun of children with special needs.  I believe that many people feel horrified and frightened and confused when they witness an autistic child’s meltdown.  Meltdowns are violent and frightening if you’ve never seen one.  We see a lot of negative reactions because those who are callous enough to be so cruel are the ones who choose to make their presence known.  I’m sure that there were plenty of shocked but sympathetic people standing around that night.  They just got drowned out by the laughter of idiots.  So, for those who wonder what exactly they should do to help a parent and child in a public meltdown situation, here is a list of things that would be appreciated.  I assure you, the small acts of kind strangers touch us deep in our core and can drown out the negativity.

1.  Understand Why We’re There
Many people might question why a parent would put their child in a situation where meltdowns are likely to occur.  There’s a couple of reasons why people in our town will continue to be subjected to our presence in grocery stores.  First, it depends on the day. Trips to the store don’t ALWAYS result in a meltdown for ‘Bot.  Sometimes unexpected occurrences make a tolerable situation intolerable for him.  We don’t always know what will cause a meltdown.

However, the main reason I continue to take ‘Bot shopping with me is that I have a vision for my child.  You see, ‘Bot will always have autism.  It’s not going to just go away.  For the rest of his life, every time he goes out in public, ‘Bot will be at risk of experiencing sensory overload.    I honestly don’t know if ‘Bot will ever get married, but I do have hope that he will hold a job and move out of our house at some point.  He must learn how to recognize when he’s becoming overwhelmed and needs to remove himself from a situation.  As his mother it is my job to prepare him for life, which means that we will not avoid uncomfortable situations if it’s something that ‘Bot will have to learn to deal with eventually.

2.  Please Don’t Start A Conversation
We appreciate help. Really, we do.  We just can’t talk about it right now.  Our hands are full–literally–with a screaming, crying, out of control child, and our attention is 100% focused on him/her at that moment. It has to be.  Escape is often our child’s primary goal, and if we’re in a place where there are cars, a moment’s inattention could be fatal.

So, instead of saying,”Excuse me, ma’am, do you need some help?” which requires our attention to shift to you in order to answer, just say, “Ma’am, I’ll watch your buggy for you,” or whatever.  It lets us know that there is a supportive soul nearby, removes just one more worry from the moment, and doesn’t require us to formulate an answer.

3.  Take Charge Of What We Can’t
If my child is melting down, the last thing I’m thinking about is my purse.  If you could keep an eye on it, I’d be grateful.  If my younger kids are with me, I can’t let go of ‘Bot and chase them.  If you can make sure they don’t wander off, I’d be grateful.  As a rule, I DO NOT take all of my kids out with me by myself if I can help it.  The risk is too great.  However, sometimes I have no choice, and sometimes places that we’ve visited without problems before can be too much on that particular day, and an unexpected meltdown occurs.  As the parent of special needs kids, I take every precaution that I can, but sometimes it just isn’t enough.

If a sibling is standing there crying, putting an arm around them and saying it’s okay would be appreciated.

4.  Clear A Path
If I’m trying to remove my child from a situation, you can help by asking others to move out of the way.

5.  Carry Something
Push the buggy, pick up something that I dropped while struggling to hang onto my child.  Any of that would be helpful.

5.  Watch For Traffic
In a parking lot situation, helping me look out for cars would be appreciated.

6.  Put Others In Check
If you witness someone being rude or insensitive, speak up! In that moment, I can’t defend myself or my child.  I’d be grateful for anyone who did.

7.  If your child is with you, use the opportunity to teach acceptance and tolerance.
Not everyone feels comfortable stepping in and helping a stranger.  That’s okay.  Ultimately, our kids are our responsibility, and most special needs parents don’t expect others to step in.  What we do expect is for our kids to be treated with respect and compassion, and that can only happen if you lead your children by example.  Don’t make snide comments out loud, especially in front of children.  Don’t roll your eyes at adults standing nearby–your kids see you.  If your kids say something inappropriate or ask questions, do your best to clear up confusion.  Your children have friends with special needs at school.  I’ve never taught a class that didn’t have several kids with differences like ADHD, dyslexia, or some other “hidden” disability.  Use that as a starting point to teach your kids tolerance.

One positive reaction can make all the difference to a family struggling with autism.  You can be a source of comfort to parents who often feel judged and isolated. I encourage anyone who reads this to make a commitment to be a source of strength, rather than an example of prejudice.

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