When I was growing up, I was taught that it is rude to stare. My mother told me that staring is impolite, and it’s best to ask her about differences I saw in people. She also taught me that people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and abilities.
Now, I admit I’m not perfect. I find myself doing a double take when I see a person who is different that I am, or a child who appears to be throwing a tantrum. I don’t know a person who doesn’t, but I make it a point to avoid staring. If I don’t understand a situation I either ask questions, as politely as possible, or I look for the answers on my own when I get home.
This is probably why I am so taken back when I see people staring at my son. I’m especially thrown by full grown adults who sit there and stare with their jaws on the floor when they see my son in his full “sensory wardrobe.” I understand kids, but adults should know better.
Granted, T’s “sensory get up” is interesting to look at, and he does stand out in a crowd. I mean it’s not every day that you see a 4.5 year old in what looks like a bullet proof vest and shooter’s ear muffs. (His weighted-compression vest and ear phones) But when you stare for so long that he notices through all of the other sensory things going on, it’s ridiculous. And when you actually point your finger at him to show your friends, family, or that stranger next to you, it’s infuriating.
This exact thing has happened to us several times. Most recently was at a restaurant, whose mascot is a giant red bird. Since it was close to the lunch time rush, and that place tends to be an exercise in sensory overload anyway, I had put T in his vest and head phones to help him cope with the onslaught of sensory input he was about to receive.
We got seated and T was looking around at all of the pictures, and telling me stories about each of them, when I noticed this man staring at us, at my son. I tried to ignore it, but he just didn’t look away. It wasn’t like T was screaming, or throwing things (which has happened before.) He was sitting quietly, and really behaving very well. I noticed the man was pointing at T and whispering to the woman he was with, and that’s when T noticed it too. He told me, “mom, why is that man looking at me?” I said something about how he must be really impressed by your behavior. I then told T to wave at the man, when I actually wanted to tell him to wave with one certain finger. The man and the woman, who was also now staring, quickly looked away. T and I ate lunch, all the while the man and woman kept stealing looks our way.
On the way home, T told me that the people “looking at him for a long time, like that man did” made him uncomfortable. I explained that what they were doing was called staring, and that it’s rude. I told him that just because someone is different than you are it’s not okay to stare. I also told him that if he ever has questions about someone’s differences it’s okay to ask me quietly about it.
So please, if you see a person, especially a child, who is a little bit different please don’t stare. Remember, it’s okay to ask questions, as long as you do it respectfully (and preferably not in the middle of a meltdown) but it is never ok for an adult to stare and point at a child. Think about how you would feel if someone did that to your child.
Comments
Shelley Davis
Hi Beth,
I am the mom of three special needs 6 yr old children. All with sensory issues. I was just wondering if you have tried using his vest for an hour before he goes out and then using a weighted lap blanket at the restaurants?
I have gotten my kids now that they are older to do this. Your little guy wants to learn to calm before he goes to school. I bought my little guy a special vest for kindergarten and the teacher told me not to send him in because this would single him out. So far he is doing okay. Complaining about the loud bus. We still have melt downs by at least one of the kids.
Sometimes I think as moms we are guilty of making our children spectacles of attention. I just wanted to share this. Please know it is not meant as a judgement of what you are doing. I do not know your journey. Just suggesting. Best of luck.
Blessings,
Shelley
Beth C.
Shelley,
Thank you for the suggestion. T doesn’t go to school in his vest for that reason, even though he is in a special needs school. However, taking him to a restaurant he needs the extra compression that his vest gives to help him sit still (the weight alone doesn’t work for him) and I’m not willing to keep him out of his favorite places because of ignorant people.
I understand avoiding the social stigma as much as possible with his close peers, but adults should know better.
Cheers!
Beth
Tiffany
Yeah, Beth…I’m with you on that. I’m sorry but it is just not ok for our kids to not be able to have the accomodations that make them able to function. Why is a weighted vest any different than say a cane or a wheelchair? This quest to make our kids appear “normal” is an exercise in futility. When and IF they learn to cope with their differences without the visible use of therapeutic devises they will do so. I personally think the the people staring are the ones with the problem and they should have been raised better. My job is to explain to my kids that there isn’t anything wrong with them and that people can be rude and insensitive at times. My kids are very self confident despite their differences because I encourage them to be so.
Beth C.
Tiffany–
Thank you, I so agree. I’m teaching T that there are people of all types and abilities. The things that make him stand out are the things that make him special.
Julie
I’m sorry your son has to experience such stupid people. I’d march right up to them and say “do you have a question you’d like to ask us?” I have seen kids in sensory gear in public before and one kid had a full get up, pants, vest & ear muffs complete with a cape. I had no choice but to tell him he was a rockin super hero.
Maybe your son is old enough to learn how to shoot spitballs
Beth C.
Julie-
Thank you! I was so tempted, believe me! I love the cape idea, and I bet T would too. I may have to steal it.
Beth
Julie
Feel free!
Tiffany
Perfect!!!
Stacey Harris
I LOVE the cape idea!
One day, maybe weighted vests and ear muffs will be nothing more than rubber boots with shorts… or jammies in the middle of the day- — I live in the Pacific Northwest and I often see kids from what I think is a “hippy families”, and their kids wear what they want how they want… I wish they would be a bit cleaner, and comb their hair… but still… as long as the kids are covered…and started out clean WHO cares?
Beth C.
Stacey,
I’m also from the PNW and I know those “hippie” kids, I was one of them growing up. The individual style is so wonderful and I love seeing other kids growing up with the same freedom of expression. I agree, as long as kiddos are somewhat clean and happy, who cares what they’re wearing?!
Martianne
Good of you to be so polite with the staring strangers and to teach your son the way you are.
Beth C.
Thank you Martianne, I try to model the behavior I want my son to have. Though, if I’m honest, I like the spit ball idea that Julie had. =)
Dawn
This reminds me of the one time we stopped for a break in driving from CO to MN. We stopped at a big sporting goods store that my husband loves and it has stuffed deer, elk, fish, etc for Ayden to look at. At that time, Ayden was on oxygen 24/7 and he had just gotten his trach out, so he had to wear a nasal cannula. Hubby and son were walking a head and I am walking 20 ft behind. As they pass a group of older couples, who stare then comment, “why do parents feel the need to put a leash on their kids”. I really couldn’t help but laugh because that “leash” keeps my son alive and healthy.
I too have used the “wave” method… it seems to be the most effective way to kill them with kindness.
((hugs))