I must admit there have been times I have avoided taking my son places because I didn’t want to have to deal with his meltdowns.
Do I think that makes me a bad parent? No, I personally think that it is easier not only for me but him as well. The preparation that has to take place prior to us going out is a lot to say the least. We have to have everything in place, and even if we do, that still doesn’t guarantee he won’t have a meltdown.
The other day when we attended his speech therapy appointment he had a major meltdown in the lobby. Now on the way there he had been screaming and kicking the back of my seat in the car. So by the time we even entered the lobby I was pretty close to tears myself. Than he finally was in full meltdown mode by the time we had checked in.
Usually I can handle his meltdowns in public, but that day I just broke down. I started crying with him. What a sight that must of been a mother and son crying in public, at that point in time that is all I could do.
His speech therapist came to greet us and she just said “Today must not be your day”. In my head I am thinking no day is my day with my son acting like the world is ending. Between sobs I shook my head yes and she escorted us back to the therapy room. By the time we got back there my son had calmed down a bit and I was able to talk successfully. His speech therapist changed my whole perspective that day because of what she said to me. She said…
“Yes, it is hard to be in public and watch your son have a meltdown. People are going to stare at you and give you looks of encouragement or snarl rude things to you. The one thing that you have to remember is that those people don’t know you and they definitely don’t know your son. You have to put your armor on and learn how to make your armor relentless.”
The hardest thing to me about being a mother of a child with special needs is not the diagnosis itself, but the stares you get from people that don’t understand. I am slowly creating relentless armor against people and there ignorance. By doing that I am also creating better awareness about SPD by attempting to educate those people who don’t understand.
Comments
molly
Amanda – I give you the (slightly more salty) version that my son’s doctor told us: “Those that look at you rudely don’t know what the hell they’re dealing with.” I don’t know if that was meaning me, or the situation, or a little bit of both. But remembering that helps me to square my shoulders and make it through. You’re not alone, mama!
Gina
Thanks for sharing Amanda! I’m a newbie to SPD also. We recently started to get the “she’s way too old to be acting like that” looks out in public. Good support is so important, and it sounds like you have it in your speech therapist.
~Gina
Stacey Harris
That was a very well written post… and very true.
We do much the same, but in the end that armor and keep moving forward is our mantra!
Sheryl
Public life is not how we remember it. A trip for milk use to be thoughtless….since we have had my son every thing has to be planned for and almost like going into battle or a mine field. Thank you for sharing your tears.
Martianne
We are going through an ‘easy’ period right now with few meltdowns and generally stare-free behavior. Ahhhh. I am savoring it!
But, it was not long ago that I was right where you are – at the grocery store counter, at a doctor appointment… So many places when a last straw just did me in, or when my son’s (and his sister’s copycat behavior) pushed my own input limits to Mommy Meltdown zone. So, I so understand ,thank you for sharing and encourage you to keep developing your relentless armor — but also to allow a few chinks now and then, b/c release IS good!
Moreover, I encourage all of us to recognize another mom in need and to reach out. I was with one at a playground yesterday. Her son went into meltdown mode, screaming, crying “afraid” to get off a piece of equipment. She had other little ones to care for. She was embarrassed and frustrated. I understood. I helped as I could, but, mostly, just explained that I knew. I mean, I really knew. My son has done the same thing…
I truly believe we are put in each other’s paths at “right” moments. I am grateful for every time a friend or stranger knew just what to say or do (or what not to) and hope to do the same for others.
Amanda
Thank you all so much for your words. It is nice to know that we are not the first people to walk this path. I do try and help other mothers in need. I know that eventually it will get better. At least I am hoping the mountain gets smaller
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Marcy
I too have had those moments. Carrying my screaming child down the entire length of a mall to get to my car…oh my! Thank you for sharing your story.
Shannon
Thank you for sharing! I will have to remember to put on my relentless armor. I have employed what I call “mommy tunnel vision”. I focus only on the situation directly in front of me; my melty 4 year old. I don’t give other people the opportunity to share their feelings by not meeting eye contact or allowing them an opportunity to make a comment. When they do and its out of line, I typically either ignore it or say, “If you aren’t helping, find something else to do.” It’s blunt but it makes me remember that I am in charge and they don’t know what a great mommy I am or what a great child I have, that judging either of us in that moment is just mean.
Susan S.
I used to dread having to take my son into a store for anything. He had meltdowns every day, a number of times a day. Sometimes I could empathize with him- how hard it is for him all the time. And then there were those tough days that I, too, would just cry. Fortunately, no one dared to make a negative comment about any of his meltdowns. If they had, I would have chewed them a new rear end entrance (if you know what I mean)!
Hang in.