My shirt is soaking wet. John (a pseudonym) threw his drink at me. “You’re stupid,” he yelled for the fifteenth time today. And it’s not even noon yet. I try to remember he doesn’t mean it, but it still hurts. After several hours of his screaming tirades, I feel sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears. When I finally have a chance to do something on my own, I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy it.
It’s not always awful. John and I have our morning routine. I cook breakfast, we eat together across the table, and discuss the day’s events yet to unfold. You might even think in moments like these that we are just two people in a relationship like any other, functioning through the mundane moments of modern existence.
But just a minute ago, John threw a case of DVDs across the room at me when I asked him to turn the volume on the television down. Once John kicked me as I went to put on my coat. He didn’t want me to go to work. I try to remember that I have a right to have a career, and that my life should not have to revolve around him 24 hours a day. But he seems to need me so much. I’m the only one who truly understands him. Sometimes my heart really does go out to him.
Sometimes it’s frustrating to hear others talk about how sweet, funny, and handsome John is. Sometimes I wish they knew what I endured with him, that someone understood how it is for me. And yet at other times, hearing positive feedback about him helps me remember that he’s not all bad all the time.
When I have tried to tell people about some of the more rotten things he does, I’m afraid I look like the crazy one, or the one at fault. People are full of well-meaning advice, such as, “you should stand up to him- show him you won’t take that crap.” But I’ve tried that and it only gets worse.
Maybe it is my fault. After all, I should have realized that he was tired when he was watching TV and I asked him to turn the volume down. Did I really need to have the volume down? Maybe I need to learn how to pick my battles. It must be annoying to him to hear me tell him what to do all the time.
And, sometimes he really is sweet. I cherish those moments. He has told me that he loves me, and plans to live with me forever. He even said he wanted to marry me. Such sweet words just melt my heart and, for a while anyway, all the aggressive behaviors and the nasty comments melt away, too. Maybe things will improve. I am always hoping they do.
In the meantime, I must cope with day after day of exhausting insults and demands. I must try to communicate better, and better anticipate his moods so that I don’t expect too much from him or end up in a power struggle with him. I am getting better at it.
I joined a support group of mainly women—but some men, too—who are going through the same sorts of things in their lives. A recent blog post by one of them suggested that I should rehearse my reaction ahead of time. It also suggested that when things get out of hand I can simply say, “I am angry right now and I can’t be around you. I am going to another room to calm down for a few minutes, then I will come back and we will talk about it.”
Are these efforts futile? I don’t know. While I am loving John the best I can, and resist negative thoughts about how to handle all the insults, I wish there was a 24-hour hotline I could call to get some support. Sometimes I resort to self-medicating with alcohol, which helps to soften the volume, tone, and content of John’s harsh words. Sometimes I fantasize about running away.
Maybe that’s what you’ve been thinking the whole time you’ve been reading this: Why doesn’t she just leave? Well, I really do love him. It may sound naïve, but I believe there’s some good in everyone and he’s not always in control of his reactions to me. So that’s one reason. Another reason is that I’d probably be arrested. After all, he’s only five and I’m his mother.
Comments
Heather Finnegan
{{{HUGS}}}}
Cheryl
I’m so sorry. It sounds so hard. It would be hard for anyone. Big hugs for you….and kisses too. xo
jamie
I’m right there with you mama! hugs and love for these tempermental quirky little beings we brought into the world. They are so full of love despite their self regulation and emotional challenges!
spedteach_6
Your post rings true and will for many others as well. How many times do we worry that someone will call CPS or the police because they hear screaming coming from our house or through the walls of the apt? Our children have “meltdowns” and unfortunately, we are usually the target of the behavior most of the time. Picking your battles and knowing when to provide sensory breaks is so important. Not feeling guilty….that’s not so easy…not for any of us…no matter what age our children. Thank you for your post. Once again, I’ve been reassured that I’m not alone and never have been.
Mamma Neen
First, big hugs for you.
Please remember that you are never alone. There are so many parents and caregivers who have the same thoughts, sometimes several times a day.
And my only piece of advice, shared with me on a particularly hard day by my Mudge’s SLP…. you are the target of all the rage, frustration and helplessness your kiddo feels because he knows that no matter what… you will always love him and support him. You are the person he feels most comfortable with and can be his complete sensory self with. You will both learn what battles to pick and will both cherish the moments when everything clicks and that ray of light shines.
Keep your head up, mamma. The rest of us are here, right behind you, to help hold you up.
Martianne
This resonates with me b/c of two experiences in the past couple weeks:
1. A family member noticed a scratch on my daughter’s face, a bruise on my arm and scratches on my husband and when she discovered my son has done them all, she asked what I am doing about it. Um, I cut his nails, correct him, see an Ot, see a behavior mod specialist,… PRAY! She felt I should be doing more, I guess, and suggested passive restraint and being less patient, at least that’s what I think she said as my mind reeled with everything I wanted to say but held back.
2. Out OT noted yet more wounds on my daughter’s face and suggested our son needs pysch help and that we might,at some point want to call a hospital and have him admitted the next time he explodes and hurts a family member. She was being helpful and I was not offended, although I let her know we wouldn’t be doing that any time soon.
There are times and days when my son is like every other kid – even more charming, beautiful and wonderful than some at times. But, there are other times when, well, meltdowns, outbursts, impulse and, to be honest, hurtful actions, happen.
This journey is a different one than I imagined, but we’re moving along even when it trips us up.
TK
I’ve been there too. My son is pushing 9 we had him diagnosed at 7 with SPD. It was a long 7 years not understanding these outbursts. There is hope. My sons still has meltdowns and screams, throws stuff. But in general he is maturing and the outbursts are much less violent than when he was 3 or even 5. Since the beginning of time I have worked with him about finding ways to express his anger safely. I refuse to deal with him when he’s like that. We’ve done breathing, yoga, listen to music etc. I send him to his room. sometimes I drag him there but once the door is shut he screams and yells, I pull myself together and in 5 min we are able to move on. We apologize and talk about it briefy. Once I was so angry, I locked myself in the bathroom and he was looking for me. I explained I needed a timeout because I was too angry. That really hit a nerve with him. And he’s even given himself time out too. Not for punishment, but just to let the emotions pass. I hope you find the best path for you two.
Bek
Wow! You’re post has really resonated with others. Isn’t it nice to have a place where you truly do belong as you navigate parenthood? Hugs, love and deep respect.
And I completely second Mamma Neen’s SLP’s comments. I consistently see/hear that our kiddos are more extreme with us than others. They let loose with us just as we tend to be more relaxed at home surrounding by those who love us most of all as well.
Susan S.
My heart goes out to you. When my son was 4 1/2 I noticed that all his emotions seemed to become huge. Especially his anger. Fortunately for us, his anger would take a minute to ramp up. As soon as I saw the adrenaline begin to shoot up, I’d take his hand and hold it on his tummy and make him breathe in, feeling his tummy go out (I’d be counting out loud to 4- ignoring his ranting- with my other hand on his back so he wouldn’t run away). Then I’d have him breathe out to the count of 8, with his hand feeling his tummy go in. I would repeat this until he calmed down. Between the distraction and the physical breathing, it would calm him down.
Once the adrenaline had shot up, then my son would have to do something physical (he wanted to hit, and would destroy his bedroom when I put him in there). I would make him go outside and run around the house 3 times (timing him- because he loved to be timed in general). Once adrenaline has shot up in the body, doing something physical will bring it down. Make it something positive where he won’t hurt himself or others.
Does he have a therapist to help him?
I am worried for you when you talk about having a drink to deal with him. Get more help! I understand. I have cried too many nights (and ate and ate)- and finally got to where I would give myself a time out when things were too hard. Looking back, I see that I didn’t have enough support. Hang in there and do whatever it takes to get more help.