Gawwwwwd, it has been another rough week. I try and stay as positive as I can,but sometimes I feel like I am banging my head on a brick wall. In reality I know “this too shall pass”, but in the moment I feel like I am sometimes fighting a losing battle.
When you have a special needs child, there are so many struggles that you never imagined facing before you were a parent. You find yourself trying to find a control variable in situations beyond your control just to help your child be able to maintain at school longer than 15 min a day before the principal is calling because he has cussed out 2 people and has scratched, bitten and kicked 3 others. And why? Because his teacher is gone and there is a substitute. The reality is, that is all it takes to set him over the edge.
To love someone so much and see how hard they struggle is heartbreaking some days. Danny has hig functioning Autism, he has ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Auditory Processing Disorder, Irlen Syndrome and Reactive Airway Disease. People often have no clue how to take Danny because to the blind eye his disorders are not obvious like if he had Down Syndrome. He is labeled by psychologists as emotionally disturbed, and by schools as emotionally fragile. And he falls somewhere in between.
I sometimes find life hard to face as an adult when I am having a bad day, and I have none of these troubles. I could only imagine facing the world at 7 with this list of troubles. Yet he
does each day. He wakes up and he tells me “It will be a good day mom. I will try for you.” And each day when it has failed to be a good day, I tell him tomorrow is a new day, it is a chance to start fresh.
But is it for a kid like him? I do not know everything that is happening in his brain or heart, what he thinks or feels. Over the years I see him get stronger. I find ways to offer support and let him know that we are always here for him. I encourage him to keep moving forward and not let these things stand in his way. I continue to educate myself and pursue my education so I can one day help other parents like us. So on the days and weeks that they do stand in his way I ask myself, what am I supposed to say to actually comfort him? No one I turn to has any answers.
The doctors and therapists rely on me to train him in areas they want him to learn because he will close them out. When I watch Danny it is sometimes like watching two little boys. One who smiles and loves and talks non stop, and the other who is filled with pain and anger and screams ad shuts the doors on the world. And somehow, there are few people who know the loving one, yet so many people who try and work with him are all well acquainted with the angry one. The angry painful child is one I rarely see anymore because he lets me in and I know how to handle him without sending him over the edge. But, so few people are there with me to know this boy. And in the back of my mind I worry, what will happen as he gets older, where will his place in the world be?
So, tomorrow is a new day, but it is a day when he has a sub. His safety net, the teacher, will not be in. I talked with her this afternoon as she has a plan in place with the principal, vice principal, and mental health therapist, as well as the 2 paras, so that Danny can hopefully make it through the day. And on Friday we will wake up and do it all over again with another sub. I at least am thankful for his teacher and her help and commitment to Danny.
To feel someone understands your child, even on the bad days, is consoling.