Little D started at the developmental preschool today. It’s literally the only place that he can get OT, Speech or developmental services in our small town. He will be there from 8 to 3pm every weekday, unless there’s a holiday. I’m really concerned about it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a really great opportunity for him to advance in the areas of development where he has been struggling, particularly fine motor, expressive language and gross motor. Socially he has a real opportunity to learn to get along and play with other kids, to learn to share and to use his empathy skills. He has some real benefits that will come as he spends time there.
The problem is, as much as I have been pulling my hair out with him at home, I really really, REALLY miss him. His birthday was the 9th and I’m realizing that he won’t be this cute, affectionate (on his own terms), amazing little boy forever.
He’s growing up, which is a good thing. No. It’s a great thing. It’s just hard for me to let him go. He’s 3 years old now and it’s time for him to start gaining some independence, especially some emotional independence, from his mommy. The trouble with that is it means that I have to be emotionally independent too, and that’s hard for me. I like that he needs me. I love cuddling with him when he lets me, or even when he lets me squish him between some pillows or the couch cushions. Anything that he needs and asks me for, I love to fill that need. I need to be needed, and I am happy that he needs me.
So, the question is, will he still need me after he’s learned so many things at preschool? Will he want to go back after today? What if the other kids there are mean to him? How will he handle other adults telling him what to do? I just don’t know the answers and I guess that’s what scares me most.
As a mother I have relished in the thought that I have some say, some control over what happens to my children. The harsh reality is, there is no such thing as control. Especially with special children. Things happen and you can’t stop it. You can’t stop everything bad from happening to them.
My kids love “Finding Nemo” and there’s a line that always seems to resonate strongly with me. “You can’t never let anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him.” I guess eventually, sooner than I’d like, I’ll have to give up on this dream of control, but can’t I just hold on to it a little longer? Please?