There is little harder to hear than the person you love most saying that they hate themselves. It breaks my heart to even think that my beautiful, smart, and sensitive son feels this way sometimes. I know we all have our down days, but a 5 year old should never feel that way.
This is our new struggle.
T has been saying this the past couple of weeks, mainly at school. When I ask him about it, he says that it’s true. He “hates” himself, and that he’s not as good as the other kids in his class. He is really struggling with writing, and he sees his friends (both in school and out) able to write better than he can.
The thing is, it’s not true. T goes to a developmental preschool where the other kids are of varying abilities. He is by far not the worst writer in his class. heck, there are children in there that can’t hold a pencil. But he doesn’t see this. He only sees the other students who can write their names on just one line, that they can form numbers on their paper, that they can draw the shapes they are asked to draw.
He is very discouraged, and doesn’t want to practice at home. He says that he’s shy, and that I’ll be upset that he can’t write well.
I’ve talked to his OT and she will start working more closely on his writing skills. And I know his teacher has been working closely with him.
His teacher is also in very close contact with me, she emails me every afternoon to let me know how T was at school. He has been unusually emotional lately, but I chalked that up to his recent growth spurt and the return to routine after the holidays. I’m starting to worry that there is more there, I’m starting to worry about his self esteem.
I am realistic that this is just the beginning of the struggles he will face in school. That there will be many more things that will make him feel like he is not “as good” as his peers. What I’m trying to figure out now is how to build the self esteem he needs to know that he is just as good as his friends, no matter his abilities. I try to remind him of the things that he does really well. For instance, he is extremely athletic, he has an amazing grasp on the English language and communicates at the level of a 7-8 year old (if not higher now) and he is so compassionate.
My son is developing the self awareness to know that he is different from many of his peers. He has told me about how some kids are afraid of him, that he doesn’t understand the rules to the games kids his age want to play, and that he feels different. I think my challenge as his mother is how to build on the things he does well, and to support him when he needs to work harder on the things that he falls behind in. Creating a balance for him, so that he can build a healthy self image.
How do help your child when they realize they are different?
Comments
Kerri
Beth — This post hits home for me. Last April my son was so discouraged that at the age of 8, he asked me for a gun so he wouldn’t have to feel the way he feels anymore. We went full force into OT again and also began seeing a behavioral pediatrician. We have many times talked about how things that are difficult for him are not as difficult for others, but that he can play soccer better than most kids his age. We focus on how everyone develops differently and at different rates. We put as much time and energy into the things he is really good at as we do into helping in the areas that he needs help in. Also, when we see someone struggling on something that he can easily do — I remind him that this person is struggling on something easy for him — not in a ridiculing manner, but again to point out the differences. Hugs to you and your son!
Beth C.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. We have definitely stepped up our OT and PT both at home and at the center he goes to. We are also talking up the the things he does well, seems to help in the moment. Hugs to you and your son as well.
Joy
Beth,
This breaks my heart!
You’re absolutely right that no child (especially at 5) should have those feelings. I think having the teacher involvement and praising his accomplishments is definitely a great route to go, but I hate that I have nothing else to offer. Perhaps is there a way that he could maybe help one of his classmates with something he’s mastered? If T can hold a pencil like a pro, maybe he can be asked to spend some time and show another child that is struggling. Maybe putting him in the role of “teacher” on something he is great at will help him understand that we each have our strengths and weaknesses. This seems to work best for my son (he’ll be 5 in April). When he gets frustrated with himself, he does a complete 180 when he gets to demonstrate to the class something he KNOWS.
Wish you both the best!
Beth C.
Hi Joy,
T’s teacher has been a godsend to us. She is so supportive to him, and she always takes the time to let us know what’s going on while he’s at school. I love the idea of T teaching other kids what he does well, I’ll bring up the idea to his teacher when I see her tomorrow.
Thanks!
Heidi Echternacht
Hi Beth,
I don’t know what exact diagnoses you are working with here, but I can tell you a few things that will hopefully help you:
1. Please know all children are different. Yours is no different than other children. He may have “A” or “B” but so do other children who just have “C” and “D”. Each child has his or her own unique-ness, challenges, talents, loves, hates, etc. It’s what makes us human.
2. He may be testing this line out, feeling around for his boundaries and your responses. Saying “I hate myself!” and seeing what all the grown-ups in the room do is not all that uninteresting for a 5 or 15 year old. Stay strong and don’t engage. The more you convince him he’s great when he says “I hate myself!” the more you reward him saying this. (When I say I hate myself, my Mom gets upset and then tells me how great I am) Not that this is happening per se, but its always good procedure to check our responses here!
3. Continue w the OT, oc, but stop working on the name writing at home. Reframe the activity. Make it fun. Put shaving cream on the tiles in the bathtub and have him draw and write with his finger. Work on hand strengthening, fine motor things like using tweezers and squeezing a rubber ball. Fold origami cups. Legos. Also try having him play type or real-working w computer keyboards. While handwriting is still a key skill, we do write differently now!
Good Luck and I hope this helps you somewhat!
Beth C.
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your input. We completely understand that every child is different, and we’re teaching that to T as well. Explaining to him that all kids have different things that they are good at seems to help him in the moment.
Though it’s possible, it doesn’t seem like he is seeking a reaction. Especially since when he says things that he is often crying inconsolably. It’s not just him dropping a bomb and then observing the room.
Thank you for the activity ideas. I love the writing in shaving cream one, I think we’ll do that during bath time tonight.
Thanks again.
Marcy
Beth, my son has said and felt VERY similar things. He has had issues with “perfectionism” from early on and it doesn’t help that things don’t come very easily to him. It hurts to see our children hurt. You are being proactive and helping him well. I would suggest getting a psychologist or therapist involved at this point, if you don’t already. Our kiddos that struggle this way need the extra support.
Beth C.
Hi Marcy!
Perfectionism. Ugh! That is T in a nutshell. If he doesn’t get something right away he is devastated and wants to give up. We talk about the need to practice the things that come harder, and after a few tries he often seems improvement, and that helps.
We are thinking about a psychologist, not sure that we’re their quite yet. We are open to the idea I the future (near future) if this continues.
Thanks!