So why does it still upset ME that the boy won’t participate in things?
He isn’t upset by it at all.
He told us yesterday and this morning that he was not going to hunt eggs. And he stayed true to his word. He did not hunt eggs. He knew that no one was going to share their candy with him and he was okay with that. He even helped his buddy get all of the candy from his eggs and never once asked for any. His buddy was kind enough to share. After the egg hunt at church we went to Bass Pro Shops to let them blow off some steam and feed them before bringing them home. Didn’t even think about the fact that they would have a bunny, a hunt, and a craft. We did not stand in the looooong line for pictures. He wouldn’t have gotten one anyway. Just the younger one. He wouldn’t do the craft nor participate in this egg hunt either.
The one there was even more calm-get a bag, find 5 eggs (all over the store) and trade empty eggs for a bag of candy. No crazy egg grabbing….no running…”no thanks,” he said.
I am guessing there are two reasons why it upsets me. The first is I am sad that he doesn’t have the same memories as I did as a child. I LOVED egg hunts and getting my picture with the Easter bunny (well once I was old enough to not be afraid of strangers). I loved making crafts and doing all of these things and I wanted to enjoy them with my kids too. And I should be thankful for the younger one that does like to do these things. And I am…just sad that it isn’t both.
Which leads to the next reason. It is yet another glowing reminder that he is different. And not that different is less. It is just different, and some days that makes me sad. And it is okay to mourn what I don’t have, so long as I don’t dwell on it and can celebrate the things we can do. For example. He attended the egg hunt without a meltdown. I know for some families that would be a small miracle in and of itself. He very clearly stated that he didn’t want to hunt eggs, and we did not force or try to coerce him into it. He went from that “chaos” to Bass Pro Shops that was a little more chaotic and got even more so by the time we left. He didn’t have to walk around with his hands over his ears all day. He didn’t require any special sensory things. He wore his hoodie over his head to block some sounds and otherwise was pleasant to be with all day. He even told the waitress what he wanted and ate it when it came, which he picked out all by himself when he looked at the menu.
He is a dear sweet little boy and I love him so much. I pray that he doesn’t even think my disappointment with situations is disappointment with him.
Comments
Amanda
What a great post. So much like my little guy. It’s easy to assume they don’t enjoy things when they don’t participate. We realized that ours is completely happy to just observe much of the time. This is certainly true of birthday parties. And video games. And basketball pickup games. The list goes on. Just because he doesn’t participate doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be there. Thanks for sharing!
Heather Finnegan
Mine really enjoys watching! And I have to always keep that in mind
laura
Thanks for sharing your story, it is amazing how much our kids can progress in just a year! We have learned over the years that every one of our kids has a different level of comfort at events….some will be completely excited to be in the middle of a group of kids scrambling for prizes, one might hang back and see what is up for awhile and then warm up, one may not be into the activity but is happy to just be there seeing all of the happiness…. With the differences in personality we see the whole rainbow of reactions to situations and it is with our youngest that I have finally been pushed to see that my expectations are not hers…..I guess it took lucky number 6 to teach me to relax;)
Heather Finnegan
Bless you with 6! Two is my limit (this being said after taking care of friends’ kids for 10 days-I was the “mom” of 4 boys; 7 yrs,6yrs,3yrs,8 months). Though I have a friend who is truly the mother of 5 boys and said that she became a much calmer parent with the younger ones-she had to
Susan S.
I too have been through the “this is what I expect my life and my son to be like” and then having reality not match up with it.
I have had to learn to be ok with not going to all the summer events that are offered in our area (in public places with lots of people and noise). We adjusted trick-or-treating to having a small get together with friends at their house- there is no going door to door. We do not get pictures with Santa or the Easter Bunny. We do not join in the town egg hunt, but rather have a small one with a very few cousins. And my son has the most fun when he re-fills and re-hides the plastic eggs and “finds” them over and over (and invites me to join in).
There is no playing organized sports. There are no music lessons. And the biggest adjustment for me has been to be ok with my son’s grades not being at grade level. School was always so easy for me that I was bored a lot.
It’s definitely an adjustment, but with new eyes, I watch and learn about my son’s interests and I see that he is growing and progressing steadily- just in his own way, and in his own time.
Congratulations on your son’s progress!! I know he’s going to keep on progressing, and one day when you look back, you’re going to be shocked at how far he’s come.
Heather Finnegan
My son will trick-or-treat about 5 houses and then he is done. That bothered me for a while, but again, I had to remind myself-who is the “holiday” for? Thankfully he is okay with us doing things with his younger brother that he doesn’t want to do.
When I look back at the boy who was diagnosed 2 years ago, I can’t believe the progress he has made! From physical skills, to social skills, to REAL, linear conversations (not cyclical repetitions of shows he’s seen)!!!!
whatlookslikeordinaryonacrazyday
My son does not participate either. It doesn’t matter what it is, he usually says no. Every holiday party I have ever attended at school, my son is sitting there watching while the other kids have a blast. I admit at times it makes me sad as well. But afterwards, my son will tell me he had a blast. So I realize just because my dreams and ideas of fun are different, it doesn’t mean he isnt’ enjoying himself and forming his own memories. I have finally come around for the most part, yet my husband struggles with this daily and has a lot of anger toward events that will never happen for our son.
Heather Finnegan
My son is the same way about parties and things, okay to just watch sometimes. He participates more now that he ever used to, but is totally happy to just watch….
Dawn Suzette
Thanks for this great post. Such a needed reminder that they are walking through this world on their terms… not better or worse… just their own. And I love how you pointed out the positive things from the day. So easy to get caught up what we perceive as negative.
Heather Finnegan
You are welcome! It is so much easier to get caught up in the negative! I make it a point to focus on the positive of every situation…otherwise I’d be sunk!
beans_mom_1
Hi Heather! I left a comment on your blog regarding this post
My son is the same way! It’s sad sometimes (for me anyway). I think holidays are the toughest on the entire family, but especially for our little ones who become so overloaded! Joe takes about a few days to a whole week to recover from just visiting family 2 hours away for a weekend.
There is this grief I feel at the most unexpected times. Like when he just can’t handle birthday parties or when a family event happens and something triggers a full-blown meltdown. They feel helpless and the family just ends up going home
You are not alone!
- tina
Heather Finnegan
I did see it Tina and replied to that one too
Sounds like your guy is about the same age as mine. It’s been hard to explain to family… I think some get it, and some think I am being too “easy” on him.
BTW-I was reading your blog about your son’s eating habits. Mine only eats pork and chicken, never beef, never nuts, and I WILL NOT make him sit and clear his plate! He’s gonna be 7 in June and might weigh 41 pounds. We have a new to us doctor as of 20 months ago when my hubby lost his job and insurance. It’s like starting all over, trying to explain to him what is wrong with my son-oh and he doesn’t believe in SPD
It has gotten better, and worse in some areas. Just keep fighting the good fight for him.
And my hubby is from MI-we love to visit there!