Hello friends. It’s time to rip off the Band-aide and just start. No more excuses. No more thinking. Just do it already, Jennifer! After all, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one simple step.
So I’m here to declare that I’m more than just some SPD mama; however, it’s been very hard to find who I am between doctor appointments, pediatric OT appointments, allergy appointments, ENT appointments. Basically, I have donned myself the Resident Medical Officer because that’s what I’ve become. But now it’s time to embrace not only the challenges my two sons face but to also reclaim myself.
When my husband and I first had children, we were shocked. (Aren’t all parents?) What we didn’t realize was that my now five-year-old had Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). What the pediatricians called “colicky” about sent me screaming from the house in tears. Of course, now I understand. But those years of not understanding, of blaming myself, of believing I was a poor mother because I couldn’t help or manage my child, added to sending our house into a spiral of stress, tension and despair, and me into a deep depression.
A couple years into having kids, a very smart friend told me — “When you have kids, you lose half of your personality. It comes back but not right away.” Now add a couple of SPD kiddos to the mix. I feel like I’ve lost myself in this process, and I’m ready to come back fighting. I don’t think I’ll ever have the “ideal” house — does anyone? — but I’m striving to regain the right balance of helping my sons so they can be successful down the line, however they choose to define that, and allowing myself to find the person that I am.
Of course, easier said than done. When I’m not with my kids, I’m thinking about them, worrying about them, wondering what I could be doing better for them. But this is the course for all parents. So I welcome you to The Jenny Evolution, my own personal journey, insights, knowledge, messes and triumphs. Most people call me Jennifer. But we’re going to become intimate friends, so call me Jenny.
Comments
Susan S.
Hi Jenny! Great piece. Yes, it’s all quite an interesting journey, isn’t it? And yes, letting go of judgement (should-ing upon ourselves) is so important (I should have a neat, clean house. I should have a child who likes Disney movies. I should have energy to weed my garden.)
Oh, and about doctors or people saying that a baby has colic. I am completely convinced that the word colic really means “there is something very real going on with your child, that could probably be changed to make your baby happy, but we have no idea what it is, and don’t want to spend the time, energy, whatever, to figure it out… so you’ll just have to put up with a baby who is uncomfortable and in pain… and let them suffer… a lot.” Yup. Been there. I finally had to be the detective and ask our ped if it could be this or that. Finally put my little man on soy formula and Zantac to complete that puzzle and have a happy baby tummy.
Kudos to your and your website! And just know that as your boys grow older and are more able to manage their sensory needs on their own, you will have more time for you.
Heather Finnegan
Great post Jenny-I too felt like I lost myself in my boys, my oldest son’s SPD diagnosis, why didn’t I know what it was (I have an early childhood degree after all!) And a 2 year trek to find out what it is. I too keep up with the latest and greatest and have a presentation I give at an early childhood teacher’s conference each August. It’s my outlet for my knowledge
I have joined Weight Watchers, to lose those last 20 pesky pounds, started working out, joined and led a Bible Study to try and get “Heather” back. I am more than P or N’s mom, I am more than my husband’s wife. And it’s time “I” came out again!
Jenny from the Block
I really enjoyed your piece! Go Jenny! I felt like I lost a lot of myself when I had kids, and I think about them constantly when I do get some “me” time. It is a struggle to enjoy me time and find my old self. My son is much more demanding with is issus and appts, so this has only gotten wors with baby 2. As they say, this too shall pass. I know that one day, my kids will be older and need me less and I will have time for art and yoga and shows and all the things I used to enjoy.
Rae
I know what you mean about the colic and feelings of desperation. Ours turned out to be a combo of SPD, allergies, and acid reflux, which of course took a lot of time, misery, and sleeplessness to figure out, and we’re still not there yet. It is so easy to feel lost.
oneofeach4me
I too remember those early days of my son crying constantly, sleeping in 90 minute intervals, and trying everything I could to calm him with nothing working!! They said he was colicky too, maybe even had silent re-flux (a form of GERD where they swallow instead of projectile vomiting). No one knew the despair our household was in. My son is now 6 and he was just diagnosed. One of the hardest things was my family looking at me in disgust like I wasn’t doing something right as his mom for him to act like this. I can take it from strangers.. but getting it from my family made it all easier to sink deeper into depression.
I have found this online community to be extremely helpful in me being able to let go of the negative feelings by replacing doubts with knowledge. Keep your head up and rejoice in finding you again! If momma isn’t happy, no one is really….