Ballerina and Music Man haven’t even started kindergarten yet, and it’s already dominating my nearly ever waking moment thoughts. Music Man, well, not so much. I worry about bullying for him in particular as he gets older, but not as much in kindergarten. Ballerina though…..
Who would have thought that her success would weigh so much on my mind? When the twins were both diagnosed as Autistic in 2009, I swore to do the things that were recommended by their teachers and doctors, so that they can make the necessary progress to enter a typical kindergarten classroom when the time came. Well, their first day of kindergarten will be August 27, 2012. Music Man is in a program that is one step shy of a typical classroom, and for him, this is a HUGE victory. Ballerina received the recommendation I had prayed for……”Home School Model” (aka typical classroom setting).
When I first learned this in February, I was overjoyed. I could barely see I was crying so hard. This wasn’t just her victory, but mine as well. Then, once the elation had a chance to settle in, I was able to begin thinking. Was she REALLY READY for a typical classroom?
Her initial placement meeting was shortly after this and her team also wasn’t fully convinced that this was a wise decision. So, we decided to hold off making the decision until closer to the end of the school year. In the meantime, she began attending a typical kindergarten classroom in her school (she is at their level academically — my girl is VERY smart) and we would see how things have gone. And, when I went to visit her recently, I was just amazed at how well she was doing. This was the first time I was allowing myself to consider the possibility that the recommendation may have been right.
Ballerina attended Kindergarten Orientation recently, just like her neurotypical peers. She did just fine in the classroom, but had a lot of trouble waiting for the orientation to begin. We witnessed a fairly significant tantrum that required entry into the OT room so we could find some sensory tools to calm her down (specifically a large textured ball for her to lie on her belly and rock). I don’t know what a typical classroom teacher would do if she was to experience a tantrum like that in the classroom.
So, we are still up in the air. Her final placement meeting is approaching rapidly and I do believe we will make the right decision when we are all sitting in that room. But, until then, I’m driving myself crazy with worry. I hate not knowing what the right answer is. As Mom, isn’t that my job? My heart tells me one thing and my mind tells me something else. Like I said, I know we’ll make the right decision…..and, even if we don’t, we can fix it. But there are days that I just wish that my twins were like their Big Brother……it’s time for kindergarten, so you just go. But, it’s not. I’m an Autism Mom. That’s just the way it is.
Comments
Caryn
I’m glad I’m not the only one losing sleep over kindergarten! Thanks for the great article!
DRS_Are_Best
Thank you so much for your comment! You’re right — we’re NOT the only ones worried about kindergarten.
This really shouldn’t be so difficult, yet it is. Especially when we don’t know what we should be doing. Trust that the right decision will be made in the end. That’s what I’m doing. I trust the team, I trust my knowledge and I trust that we are all trying our best. We’ll find out on Tuesday (when our Placement Meeting will be) what the decision will be.
Lalita
We’re in the same spot. Mainstream classroom is the recommendation, but all my four year old has experienced so far is three hours a day of head start. They don’t see him at home after school to know the true toll it takes for him to do well for those three hours. He will turn five just a few weeks before Kindgarten starts, so he’ll be young. But like your girl, he’s already advanced beyond K level academically. What will the combo of overwhelmed and bored academically do to him? I feel like we wont’ really know until we try.
DRS_Are_Best
Thanks for your comment!
You’re right — they don’t see what we see at home. But on the flip side, we don’t necessarily see what they see at school. That is what I was forced to recognize when I went to visit Ballerina in her kindergarten classroom time earlier this month. I swear — she did NOT look like my child!!!!
On the plus side, no matter what decisions are made, they aren’t necessarily permanent. We can call for a meeting and have things changed if things aren’t working the way we initially intended.
You’re also right about this whole thing — “We won’t really know until we try.”
Heather
Oh man I can’t even think about kindergarten yet. I am having cold sweats over our meeting for preschool this week.
Good luck either way! I wish there was a clear cut answer that just showed up. Where is that dang easy button?!
DRS_Are_Best
Heather, thanks for commenting!!!!
Do yourself a favor — DON’T look too far ahead. We are facing kindergarten now because we’re getting ready to start. If I would have been thinking about this (other than to have a seemingly pipe dream goal) 2 years ago when we were going from Infants and Toddlers to the IEP World, I would have gone NUTS!!!!!!!!
Take it one step at a time!!!!
Jenny from the Block
Hugs! As a mom, it is hard not to worry, either way. Once you make the decision, just try to be at peace with it and take it as it comes. You can always adjust things later if you need to. My little guy is only 20 months, so I cannot even picture it right now! My daughter is 6 (not diagnosed yet, has an evaluation coming up), but she does well in school. She holds it together all day and it takes a toll b/c she comes home and melts down big time. She used to meltdown daily, but now it is not every day. Getting better all the time. Hope it all goes well!
Jenny from the Block
I did not know my daughter had sensory issues back when she started pre-school. I feel such guilt and sadness when I think back to some of the things she went through that could have been avoided had I known. She does well now, but those pre-school years were tough for us. One positive thing you have going is that you are ahead of the game in terms of knowing the diagnosis and strategies for help! Good luck!
DRS_Are_Best
Thanks for commenting!
That’s kind of where we are right now — once the meeting is over, I know we’ll be happy with it all. There are arguments favoring both a special education environment and a general education setting. I’ve already heard from members of the team that this meeting will be a discussion, not a formality, which tells me that they too are on the fence.
You should never feel guilty. There are always things we all “could have done better” and we will just make ourselves sick with the guilt. It’s not worth it. What matters most is what we are going through now and what we can do to make things easier now that we know what’s going on. It sounds like your daughter is doing fine and she’s lucky to have a Mom so aware and caring as you obviously are.
All the best of luck to YOU!
oneofeach4me
Keep your head up momma! And you are doing a GREAT job and it will pay off in the end! Keep up the positive attitude and have faith that at least some of the other kids in Ballerina’s class will have heart. Heck, some may even take her under their wing and protect her.. so try not to worry about bullying too much!
DRS_Are_Best
Thanks so much for commenting!!!!
I’m not so worried about bullying for her — more so for her brother. But not in kindergarten — he’ll be well protected. We already have Ballerina signed up for Daisy scouts and she will be going to the pool every day this summer with several of the kids who will be with her at school (we don’t know what class). I’m more worried about her ability to learn and focus.
We have a good team, and I see that they are really trying to make the best decision possible. The meeting is on Tuesday and she is being observed today by the “resource” teacher to see if what she provides will be adequate.
I just hate going into a meeting NOT knowing what the right answer is. It makes it much easier to argue my point. But I know it will work out — things always seem to in the end.
DRS_Are_Best
Thank you so much for sharing in our story. Ballerina’s Placement Meeting was today and it went very well. We chose to place her in a General Education kindergarten classroom and she will be receiving 15 hours/week of Resources to help her get through her days. And now those “Resources” have been defined. If you would like, this is my blog post about today’s meeting. Thank you so much for your support and in reading my stories! http://myfamilysexperiencewithautism.blogspot.com/2012/05/its-done.html