There are many times in a parent’s career that they feel lost, unsure of what to do next. I am going through one of those times.
T is struggling so much emotionally right now, and I have no idea what to do to help him. He is going from my sweet little boy, to an angry, mean kid in seconds. He goes from being my happy go lucky kid to a puddle of tears and shakes in the blink of an eye.It’s like someone flips a switch on him, the change is that quick.
There are a lot of transitions happening now, the end of preschool, saying goodbye to friends, preparing for summer, and then kindergarten. He’s going through a growth spurt, so his emotions are trying to grow with him. He feels out of control of what is happening to his routine, to his body, and emotionally. You can see fear in his eyes when he’s angry, as well as when he’s sad. His anxiety is palpable at times, and it breaks my heart.
Last week I spent an hour trying to comfort T as he sobbed in my arms. He was missing my grandmother who died 1.5 years ago. They weren’t super close, but her death is the only experience he really has with losing someone. As he sobbed, and shook, I held him and tried to comfort him. I could feel his pulse racing, and hear the panic in his voice as he asked question after question about his GG and how he could ever talk to her again. His sadness and grief had turned into a panic attack. That was the night that I realized I was helpless, that I had no idea how to help him.
Until this week he has been holding it together at school, and then coming home and losing all control. Today, however, was a different story. He went from smiling and laughing on the bus to crying and screaming, and back again with no known cause. He was super emotional during school, asking for me, for his “Geego” (security blanky)and his frustration level was super high. When he came home, he was sweet until I had to say “no” the first time, then there were tears, thrown toys and stomping feet. When he calmed down from that he cried and cried about how he wouldn’t be able to take his bird with him when he was a grown up and moved out.
Those are just a couple examples of what life for T has been like the last two weeks or so. Granted, he has been able to appropriately handle his emotions during school until today, but he is obviously miserable. And I, his mom, don’t know how to help him. The fact that he is struggling so hard to hold it all together through school, and now having trouble with that, makes me very nervous for kindergarten next year. Will he be able to make friends even if his emotions get out of control? Will he be able to handle full day kindergarten? Will he be labeled “the bad kid,” or the “baby.” I am scared for my son and I have no idea where to turn, what to try, or what the answers are. Today I am lost.
Comments
Robin
I am not sure, but do you avoid all food dyes and preservatives in his diet? Following the feingold diet has helped provide tremendous positive change for our DS. We noticed that the benzoate was the kick starter for him. His diet and life are chemical free and he is free from many of his previous SPD symptoms.
Good luck.
Beth C.
Thank you for your suggestion. T has feeding issues, and only has about 16 foods that he will eat at all, so limiting his diet right now isn’t an option. He really doesn’t eat a lot of dyes and such since his main diet is fruits, veggies and grains.
CircleTimeMommy
I’m sorry for the hard time you are having! It is pretty typical of this time of year for many SPD kids, I’m afraid, when all of their routines change (even at school the days are different at the end of the year). Have you ever used a visual schedule at home? If not, it might be something to implement during the transitions you mentioned. If he knows what to expect each day, his anxiety may be more manageable.
I also second Robin’s comment about diet. Taking out preservatives, dyes, and other chemicals, plus a lot of the sugar, has impacted my son’s anxiety/emotional instability levels for the better. (We are also GFCF.) Supplementing with omega 3 oils has helped, too, with mood and attention. It will get better once he has a routine for the summer. You are doing a great job as his mom! Hang in there.
Beth C.
This time of year stinks, and so will the beginning of the school year. We do use a visual schedule at home and at school, and it is helpful. I plan on starting T on Omega 3 supplements, which kind do you use?
Thanks for your support!
Susan S.
Just jumping in to say that my son loves Dolphin Pals DHA gummies for kids. (Country Life company) Great source of omega 3 that my more than picky eater, loves. No artifical flavors or colors, and no PCB’s or heavy metals or other toxins that can be in fish oil.
Lori
I am going to second the schedule. It sounds like he is losing it because with all these changes he no longer knows what to expect. My girl is 9 and will lose it if I add a stop to a list of errands, and my boy goes crazy when Sunday school lets out for the summer, even though he hates going! The best plan for every change of schedule is a posted, picture list of order of daily events. I’ve found that my kids deal better with a change of plans if I just go to the schedule wall and show them the switch. Seems too simple to work but it does. I just made pictures of anything we might do during the day from eating breakfast to an outing to the library, laminated them all and keep them in a pocket. Then I use wall putty to stick them on a wall by the bedrooms. Give him some control by asking small things like does he want to eat breakfast or get dressed first and you should see some results! Hope that helps!
Beth C.
Our visual schedule has been a life saver. He knows what to expect, and if there needs to be a change, there is fewer meltdowns. I plan on putting together a schedule with changeable pictures for the summer so we can build a schedule each evening or each morning.
Thanks for reminding me of the project plan, I need to get started.
joyce
My son shows similar behaviours and the only thing that if I keep up that really helps is brushing him before school. If Im really disciplined I can get in 2 brushings and compressions and I think it makes a big difference. Listening therapy has helped him over all as well.
Big hugs and it will get better.
Joyce
Beth C.
Thank you for the suggestion and the hugs! I will start brushing again with T and see if it helps a bit, maybe it will this time. I am actually looking forward to summer time since we will be starting listening therapy again. It made such an improvement, but it was just too much of a fight during the school year. So we decided to stop until summer. =)
Susan S.
My heart goes out to you. Already so many great suggestions. My son, also lives with a level of anxiety, especially revolving around school. He can get himself wound up about something (that happened ages ago, and has no relevance) and he’ll be upset for a long time- almost like he stims on his being upset, if you know what I mean. Or perhaps the switch that most people have that will let them release and calm down, isn’t working in my son.
So, when he’s going on and on, and he’s not overtired or hungry, I’ll use distraction in a big way. I’ll play his favorite fun songs and start singing along, being as silly as I can. I use humor, and music mostly as distractions, and usually, before too long, he’s out of whatever loop he had been caught in.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Beth C.
Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes its nice to just know that I’m not alone. Distractions are one of my very used tools, I love when I can turn his anxiety into laughter. Just wish it was happening more these last few weeks.
Thanks again!
Jenny From the Block
Wow, sounds VERY similar to my daughtr and what we are going through right now. Hugs. I know how it feels to have your heart ache for them, even when they are acting out angrily toward you, b/c you see that fear in their eyes. It has been a ROUGH week for us, too. All I can figuer is it is all the changes from the last week of school/school now being out. I wish I had somethin helpfult o say to get your through, but I am at a loss myself right now. Just wanted to extend my empathy and support.
Beth C.
Jenny, Hugs to you! Hope things improve in your house as well. Hoping with the warmth of the summer, and the ability to spend the days at the park things will improve in our house.
Jennifer
i know exactly how you feel! school has been terrible for my son’s behavior – he is just finishing kindergarten. he holds it in all day also, and then completely unleashes at home. very extreme violence and angry words with us, yet he’s a total angel at school. i’m unsure what to do also, because school is only going to get more challenging, and he either won’t be able to hold it in anymore or his behavior at home will worsen. very scared.
Susan S.
I would recommend a 504 plan and then have a private OT recommend sensory activities throughout the school day to help him destress throughout the day. My son has had the exact same situation. I got him a 504 plan so he sits on a therapy ball and he sits where other kids don’t walk by and brush up against him all the time. But I didn’t get sensory activities on there. Getting an IEP now and will make sure he has sensory breaks on it (he’s just finishing 3rd grade).
Beth C.
Susan– T has an IEP for preschool, and for kindergarten in the fall. I am very thankful that he was able to receive that help at least. Hopefully it means that school will be good for him. His IEP has sensory breaks, motor room, and a few other things to help him throughout his day.
Beth C.
Jennifer– Hugs! I hope we both can find the solutions we’re looking for.
tamrache99
This post could have been written by me a year ago. I was so scared for my son as he entered kindergarten. With all the meltdowns and frustrations, I was so worried for him. We were able to get an IEP in place before school started where sensory breaks were a part of his day. In fact, the teacher had often had all the kids take the breaks together and it has really helped them all cope with the day.
I have also found for my son that having a regular schedule is a big deal. The hardest part of kindy for him has been the every other day schedule (part-time) he has had. He finds it so hard to readjust every other day. So I wonder if your son might do well with full day every day schedule, especially if he is getting the sensory diet he needs.
My son is a hold it together at school kind of kid. He has at times literally had a meltdown a few feet outside the school door. He reached his limit and now Momma had to figure out how to help him cope. We are just now getting the hang of how to handle after school behaviors. He gets some heavy work (we LOVE warm days because we just stay at the school and play for awhile, and walk home) right after he gets home, then quiet time to rest and decompress before starting in on other activities. And we have made the effort not to overschedule him as he just cannot handle lots of extra activities after supper. He misses out on some experiences I suppose, but the ones he has are more enjoyable because he’s not overloaded. I hope that helps you a little. Every transition is hard. I need to write out my struggles about my son headed into grade one!!! I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it. best of everything to you.
Beth C.
Thank you. I think you’re probably right about the routine of school being good for him. I think that he’ll be ok at school, hopefully we’ll have some good plans for when he is at home.
Larry
It is so refreshing to hear outstanding suggestions from others who are experiencing the same things … Thomas is a wonderful grandson and joy to have. Helping him navigate the difficult world is a challenge and a necessity, but the wisdom of the group will help bring it about. As a retired teacher, I well realize the extreme value and importance of 504 plans and IEPs in order to inform those not willing to consider individual needs. The more documentation one has, the less likely he or she is to be ignored. Please schedule us on Thomas’ plan as needed … We are always here, or can be there!
Beth C.
Thank you Larry!
It’s always nice to get a teacher, and grandparent’s perspective!
I am very thankful that T has an IEP in place for next year, that will not expire until well into the 1st grade. I also plan on writing a letter to his kindergarten teacher, as kind of an “introduction to Thomas.” I hope it is well received.
Trust me, we will be adding you guys to the care team, especially over the summer. We are planning several visits, to visits to you guys! This blog network is a great way to see a bit more of what SPD kids are dealing with.
beans_mom_1
Beth! I am so sorry T is struggling so much. I know how helpless you feel sometimes. Hang on, Mom. You are doing a great job. He will get through this. My son also eats a lot of fresh vegetables and just started to actually eat meat and he’s 5. He does have anxiety and it’s difficult to watch panic attacks too.
Hoping we can hear how T does this summer. Hang in there!
Beth C.
Thanks for your kind words! T won’t eat meat at all. I think his vegetarianism has started taking on ethical reasons along with the sensory aversion to it. His best friend’s family is vegetarian, so at least he doesn’t feel strange about it.
The anxiety is hard to watch, and it seems like it gets bad at every life transition and every growth spurt. Poor kiddo.
tk
I’m going to suggest going to a play therapist.T sounds like my son at that age. I didn’t know anything about SPD then but he was a wreck and I overwhelmed and I found him a play therapist. Well worth every dollar. Eventually his play therapist is the one who led us to SPD. All of the transitions and growth spurts are hitting us too and he’s 9 but we have had years of practice dealing with it.
Beth C.
That is a wonderful suggestion, and one that I will talk to T’s treatment team about. My husband will the the tough sell, since he doesn’t seem to think that there is anything to worry about.
Thank you!