Dear Teacher,
I’m really sorry that on the second day of school, I almost lost it on you. It’s not you. It’s me.
I’ve become primed to pick up my sword and strike out when told “He had a great day! He was perfect. The best behaved kid in the class.” I’m sure you’ve never had a parent say, “I really hate to hear that.” It was evident in your shocked expression and your return question “why?” My explanation that the better behaved he is in school the more it means he is working hard to hold it together “perfectly” and that it will all come tumbling out – either as meltdown or explosion – sooner or later only served to shock you more.
I was angry at you too. Angry that my son has this impression that you expect him to be perfect. He is a people pleaser and will do all in his power (and more) to meet your expectations. I know it is only the second day of school and you have 19 other kids in the classroom and you are a young teacher but for some reason I was hoping this year would be different. That this year, his teachers wouldn’t require time to get to know him. That this year, they would take my word for it. So, it was hard to hear “I haven’t seen that side of him yet.”
I had hoped that in that brief moment you visited him at the car when he refused to come into the classroom this morning that you suddenly understood the mysteries of this child. He agreed to come in only after I agreed to stay until he was ready for me to leave (I really didn’t want to go to the morning meeting I had scheduled so it was a welcomed excuse not to show.) Two hours later I exited school. It was sweet of you to suggest I leave when he went to the bathroom half an hour into my two hour stay but had I been gone when he returned, having not said “goodbye,” it would have created greater problems for all of us. So, at the end of the day when you suggested that I should “just drop him off and go tomorrow” my stomach knotted and all my old fears of whether or not people will understand and respect my child returned.
It’s not you. It’s me.
I based my responses on five and a half years of watching him over-react one moment and under-react the next, get anxious about things that no one else notices, study the people in his world to figure out how to endear himself to them, and feel really really bad about himself when he screws up. I have seen him lash out causing injury then feel so bad about having done it that he can only cope by denying that he did it. My heart bleeds for my child. For as hard as his “perfect days” may become for me during the anything-but-perfect evenings, they are harder still on him. I know you want to understand and that you are poised to offer him support as he asks for it and for that I am thankful. I know you care for him, that is evident. So again, please forgive me. I will back off and give you time to get to know my son. I will grant you the benefit of the doubt. I know with certainty that eventually, you will see what it is I have been seeing for 5 years and on that day any thought that I am an overprotective mom who WANTS her child to be different will disappear.
Looking forward to that phone call or note asking for help,
Momma Bear
Comments
Crafty Mom
Bek – to any parent of a child without SPD, this letter would seem very confusing. But as a parent of a 6 yr old girl entering first grade next week, I can TOTALLY relate to this letter. I first noticed how bad my daughters SPD was when she entered Kindergarten and she was “perfect”, “the best behaved child in the class”, but at home, she became completely unglued and was constantly sensory seeking, and then totally meltdown at bath-time or when getting dressed, because of being over-responsive. I began to think it was *ME*, that I just didn’t know how to parent this child. Why could she be so “perfect” at school, but then be so wild and unpredictable at home? Eventually, I learned it’s not unusual for these kids to hold it together at school, and then meltdown at home where it is safe. I, too, wish my daughter felt that same safety at school, but I’m also glad that she has the skills to keep it together when she needs to. If I’m in a bad mood or going through a rough time, I still have to get up and go to work, do my job, etc. But when I come home and I’m with my family, I can decompress. These kids are the same way. Yes, it puts great stress on their little minds and bodies to hold it together during those times when they feel they have to, but I believe it is a skill that will serve them well throughout there lives. Hugs to your and your son.
Heather Finnegan
Yep, VOLATILE! My son’s teacher and new principal are great. However, they were both amazed at how “well he did in lunch on Friday”, the first day of school. It was super noisy and he just sat there and ate his food. I as the momma, immediately thought, I saw how much food came home, he didn’t eat much. And he loses it at home. I was prepared for this, I knew this first week was gonna be nuts, but away we go… thankfully his 1st grade teacher is one that moved up with the class so she has seen him in minor meltdowns and knows I am not making this up. It will take a while before he is comfortable enough to “lose it” even a little at school.
I hope your son’s teacher comes to understand him soon!
Mary
My 9yo is a “perfect angel” at school, too. I hope you don’t mind if I save this to email to her teacher the next time she “doesn’t see anything” different about her. Teachers have no idea how stressed our kids are from trying to get the right color on their charts all day when all they really want to do is run around the room screaming.
Next time I think I will ask, “Does she look HAPPY to you?” instead of “How is she doing?”
Liz
Thank you for putting this into words. I can totally relate to this right now. My daughter is only three but I have been in knots because I put her in preschool two mornings a week. She had her first morning (three hours) on Thursday. When I picked her up the teacher said “she did so well!” (which I **always** hear whenever someone else watches her). Of course, at home she was on the verge of tears about nothing, kicking the wall, hitting my husband and I (then crying because she felt bad she hit us), and was up at 5:30 in the morning today (early rising is always an issue when she gets maxed out). I don’t know how many days it will take before she returns to coping well. I am just so new to navigating the minefield of school+SPD and people think I’m nuts because she’s so “perfect.” Thank you for writing this and helping me feel like someone understands. I really needed to know that.
Jennifer
It is so good to hear so many others have the same problem. Well, not good. But comforting to know I am not alone. I wish none of us faced these issues. My son has always been perfect in school and all-out monster at home. It’s horrible. I wish he could find a better balance. Now that he’s 6, I think he has gone through some major chemical changes inside or something, and he is completely losing it in more and more situations. So far school has been safe, but I have a feeling this year he might let it loose more. Has anyone else experienced this surge is terrible behavior as your child gets older. We are at our wits end.
Heather Seifrit
I’m crying. I knew I wasn’t making this up and it was just me. Thank you
Laurie
Thank you for this.
I wrote a very long letter to my son’s 4K teacher and had several phone conversations trying to prep her for my son. Her response? “I have a 4 year old. I understand.” OH NO SHE DOESN’T!! We’re in week 2 of school and my little guy is so exhausted from working 10 times harder than the other kids.