My daughter recently turned 7, but I still remember my grandmother looking into her eyes when she was just a newborn and declaring her an old soul. She says things sometimes that just awe me or crack me up, things beyond her years. In other ways, though, she is a typical child. She likes attention from her parents, would rather play than do chores, and sometimes believes she knows it all. She has been known to get upset when she does not get her way. Here’s the thing, though…sometimes she gets incredibly upset when she doesn’t get her way about seemingly small things. This is where I imagine it has more to do with SPD or things being out of her control rather than a “spoiled” child acting out.
For example, brushing her teeth and showering cause such turmoil in our home. The tooth brushing is actually getting quite a bit better and will hopefully go by the wayside like her hand washing issues of the past, but showering remains an obstacle. She loves the water and swimming, which leads me to believe that it is not related to the feeling of water. Is it a control thing? She brushes her teeth in the morning before school without issue, but often of it is on the weekends, or especially bedtime, that brings on a meltdown.
In part, I think sometimes the struggle is related to bedtime, as she showers at night and has to brush again before bed. Have others found that when you begin to engage in activities that signal bedtime, it triggers a strong reaction or meltdown in your child? Bedtime has always been an issue for us. Darling is prone to anxiety, and bedtime certainly brings it out more, being alone in a room at night and all. Unless one of us lay with her for a while, which we do only on occasion, she is not a fan of bedtime. She has a night light, her favorite blanket and bear bear, we spend together before bed and read stories in her room. I also check on her after I tuck her in so that she knows I am still around. I am not sure what else to do to help her handle bedtime more successfully and lessen the instance of these strong and defiant reactions.
At the same time, I do not think her shower issue is all about bedtime. I actually tried to talk with her about it the other day, and it seemed part of her resistance is that it is just so much work and she lacks the energy. Don’t I know it! I have oft wished to be able to snap my fingers and poof…I am all ready! Her OT over the summer said Belle’s core is weak, and that some kids like this get tired quickly just sitting or standing because their body is working harder than a child with a strong core. Could it be the energy, not the bedtime, or could it be both, or vary day to day? I know parent of SPD parenting is being a detective, but Sherlock Holmes I am not!
Darling is the picture of obedience and does well at school and in public, but meltdowns, though improving, continue show up at home. I know this is common; I accept this and would rather her meltdown safe at home with me. I still want to find ways to help her, though. When she loses control, even for a reason that any kid might get upset by, like feeling her brother is getting more attention or a hard day at school with too many changes, her reaction is so intense. She is always depleted emotionally and physically afterward. She also feels guilty. This all breaks my mothers heart. I do not want her to feel bad about herself. It is good that she apologizes for her behavior as there is sometimes hitting and usually hurtful words, and I always hug her and accept her apology and tell her I love her, but I know she just wishes it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. And she feels bad. We both do. The first times she yelled that she hated me, I was hurt…for myself. Now when she gets to that point, I hurt for her, because I know that what will follow is an intense angry meltdown, followed by tears and crying, finished with feeling bad about the whole thing and leaving her drained.
Darling is resilient, and truthfully I probably dwell on this more than she does as I just want the best for her. We talk a lot, and I listen to what she has to say. I look for clues and support her while trying to find that balance with boundaries as well. Things are improving all the time, and I make sure to praise her when she does well, especially when I see her struggling internally and on the brink of anger, but she pulls herself back. She is definitely happy, helpful, and behaved more than she is anything else…but hormones aren’t here yet and we want to get things on the right path sooner rather than later! If any moms or dads out there have insight into angry meltdowns, tips for transition and bedtime anxiety, or advice related to this post, then in the words of Frasier Crane…I am listening.
Comments
Susan S.
My son (9) has also fought bedtime, always. He dislikes getting into bed, feeling the cold sheets. Even with flannel sheets, that lessen this, I hear about it from time to time. He has a weighted blanket that really helps a lot. And he, too, needs light (we have a dimmer switch on his lamp that is a round switch that screws in where the lightbulb goes- then the bulb screws into it). But, he also needs sound. He doesn’t like a quiet room (ever!). So, he has an air cleaner that we turn up to medium or high, so it makes a white noise. Sometimes we put a fan on, for the same reason. I think one of the biggest reasons he hates to go to bed, is that it means an end to playing. He lives to play.
My son also gets upset about things, and his emotions seem to get extreme. I think it has to do with his generally unregulated system. I do my best to distract him, using music a lot. When he does melt down, I try to make sure he has a safe place to do it, and to try to help him snap out of it. And most importantly, I make sure that he knows I am not judging him, but always supportive (with boundaries).
BTW, I love your new positive mantra- it’s fabulous!! I know on several occassions, I have told someone that my guy may not be able to do something, but he’ll get there in his own time.
EHCMom
Someone recently told me about using a “reverse” baby monitor–put the receiving end in the child’s room and the sending end in the room where you are when she’s falling asleep. That way she can hear you going about your business while she falls asleep and doesn’t feel alone in her room. I haven’t tried it yet, but I find it a promising idea. I have to sit in my daughter’s room until she falls asleep (since she was 2 until now-5). It’s not so much because she’s anxious about bedtime, but because she gets out of bed and does all kinds of crazy things if I don’t stay with her. You’re probably already doing this, but we’ve had our daughter on a strict bedtime regime since we adopted her at 2. A couple times I tried to deter from it, and meltdowns resulted, so now it is the exact same routine every night.
Renae
I’m so thankful I bumped into this blog today! I have a 7 year old son, who just was assessed by an OT for the first time. I suspected this for years, so no surprise he is experiencing SPD. Your description of a weak core, and the physical and emotional stress of a full day at school, then meltdowns once home… is exactly what we are experiencing right now. I’ve asked his teacher to allow him to stretch, getting up from his desk, whenever he feels the need, but that is it for accommodations at this point.
As for bedtime, we used to have issues every night. But now, we do a 30 min quiet time before lights off. He plays his DS during that time while he lies in bed. Then two nightlights come on, and we play a lullaby cd while he falls asleep. Luckily, no more bedtime issues.
My biggest issue right now, is to try to find ways for him to physically quiet his body, and to help him have enough stamina to get through school and still function afterward (extracurriculars, homework, just hanging with the family). Right now our evenings are very intense.