Darling has been craving attention lately. She is acting out and letting us know she needs more. We are making plans to go out just us girls for a special night. It has been too long since we did that. Buds new therapy and his upcoming evaluation have taken on a little too much prominence. We were talking about him more often than usual, and it made her feel less noticed it seems.
Sometimes, when we talk about Bud’s issues, she pipes up that she has sensory issues, too. She is jealous that she is not being talked about as well. Darling does have some sensory issues, but she is mild. She functions well and she is going to be fine. Bud is more severe and his future is uncertain right now. When we talk about Darling, we talk about her fantastic reading, her straight A’s, her new silly new dance moves. She does not notice this; she notices that we talk about Bud’s disorder and not her struggles.
The school called us and said Darling needs speech therapy. Darling was horrified and burst into tears. She did not want to be pulled out of class for “special” help. She feared the other kinds would see her as dumb or different. I listened and empathized. I reminded her that it is ok to be different, different is not bad. I also reminded her that no one could ever think she was dumb since she is top of her class in math and reading and got all A’s on her first report, and that she has simply “got it going on.” I got a little smile out of that.
Darling has complex, conflicting emotions for a 7 year old. On the one hand, she wants to be normal and minimize anything having to do with her SPD or her struggles, but on the other hand she is jealous if Bud’s struggles are a topic of conversation. I suppose this is normal. It got me to thinking about how hard it is for the sibling of a child on the spectrum. I want her to feel free and safe to express her feelings, even if they are negative, and to ask questions. Other than creating a safe place to vent and making sure she gets some special attention that is just for her, I am not sure what to do.
I have read about how families struggle because so much attention is on the child with the diagnosis, and I want to avoid that trap as much as possible. Even so, he will get therapy and have attention paid to him, and she will have to learn to deal. We have explained to her that she is blessed not to have the same diagnosis, and when she is mean to him I try to get her to talk about her feelings as well as educate her that Bud needs his big sis on his side because much of the world may not be. Most of the time, she is a doting, loving sister and very protective. We want her to remember that she is remarkable, special and loved. My very favorite daughter. Nothing can change that.
If you have found ways to help your child cope with having a sibling with special needs, I welcome your advice.
Comments
Kari
Thank you so much for posting about this! I feel like Im in a constant struggle with trying to give my other daughter (also 7) the attention that she needs and craves. Since my younger daughters Dx, the older one has been defient and acting out at home, although in school she is still straight A’s and doing excellent! Thank you for sharing your experiences as well, and Im also curious for any advice you get.
Mary
My daughter, 10, does not have sensory issues; my son, 5, is a seeker extraordinaire. She read a book called Rules (by Cynthia Lord) last year, about a big sister with a younger autistic brother. She read it for school, told me about every inch of it, asked me to read it — it certainly struck a chord. I think it helped her pin down and articulate some of her own feelings; I *know* she loved finding out she isn’t alone ion her feelings.
Lelah
Every kid (sibling) is so different. My 8 year old could care less about everything given to my 7 year old (SPD, ASD). He is very empathetic and good to him. As a matter of fact, my 8 year old is often one of the kids put in the inclusion class because he is so tolerant and kind. My 8 year does have SPD, but is mild (mostly just hyper-sensitive to taste and smell with some issues with motions) and will only be considered someone who gets motion sick easily and a picky eater. I think it is partially because they are so close in age and my 8 year old has always been the translator for my 7 year old. They are honestly as close as twins are.
My soon to be 12 year old struggles though. And as he is hitting puberty, it is getting harder for him. He too, read the book Rules, for school and it helped him know he wasn’t alone. We’ve also used other books. The Autism Acceptance Guide by Ellen Sabin was incredibly helpful (and one I took to read in the classroom of my 7 year old). We’ve also used Different Like Me by Jennifer Elder to help point out that different is different–not defective.
It’s a struggle that never ends. We try hard to give each of the four their own activities and one on one time at least once a month. We also stress that our family is a team.