I am not sure how I feel. I kind of feel numb, yet I know there is something there. I feel a fog, like I am here, but not. Perhaps it is my mind’s way of protecting itself for now, just avoiding thoughts. When I talk about it, I feel a welling of emotion that begins to wash to the surface likes waves lapping the shore. I then quickly push it away and the relief of dull heaviness takes its place instead.
Yesterday, Bud had his evaluation with the pediatric behavioral psychologist. The visit lasted over 3 hours and I liked the doctor very much. At the end, she said “the bad news is,” and then caught herself and said not bad, but… Bud meets the criteria for a mild to moderate autism diagnosis. Dr. said she could diagnosis him with autism today, but she decided not to because he has a different “flavor” to him. She instead diagnosed him the ASD PDD-NOS. Most of you on here know that means the autism spectrum disorder pervasive developmental disorder otherwise not specified. She wants us to rule out some other things, and then come back and evaluate him again in 6 months.
Dr. said there might be medical things such as metabolic or genetic disorder or seizure disorder, at play. While he may still end up with an autism diagnosis if they find an additional disorder, she said either way it is good to know because it will help make him symptoms less severe if we treat the other issues. We now have to have our little man held down while a needle sticks him and decide on which distressing means we will use for the neurological testing. I want to protect him and keep him from all this testing, yet testing him may be a means to help and protect him.
I am really not sure what I felt after the doctor left. I was not at all surprised that he fit the criteria. In fact, I was expecting it. But I was hoping I was wrong. I really just wanted to go to sleep, and sleep for a long time. I had to tell my husband and my parents. Hearing it and saying it made the emotions stir inside me, but as soon as I was done repeating the information I shut them off again. Today, I just feel like I am going through the motions. It reminds me of February all over again, when we first learned Bud had special needs, except now I am not blind-sided. The information overload is there, the uncertainty about the future, the longing to just know that he will have a happy life.
I understand that really nothing has changed. He is the exact same adorable sweet boy who is making progress every single day. Yet somehow things feel changed. Maybe just a little of my hope died yesterday. Hope springs eternal, and I am sure I will embrace this with a positive can-do attitude, but not today. Today I do not want to think about it. I just want to be home, loving on my little precious boy.