As I write this, I realize that this is the place I need to turn to. I can’t talk with family or friends. I’m just starting back up again with our occupational therapist and am waiting for a call back from our psychologist. I need help. I have been wanting to write a post now for several days and it took today to actually motivate me to write. Normally, I have something uplifting to say. Tonight, unfortunately, I don’t have much. All I can think of at this point is HELP. I am at the end of my rope as cliché as it sounds. I have done this too long and can’t do it any more without some kind of relief. I’m praying that your support gives me that. So, what’s up you might ask? Well…
For the last several weeks my Bean has been going down hill, fast. Since summer she was doing amazing. She was sleeping through the night which for a kid who didn’t sleep through the night EVER was a huge accomplishment. She wasn’t seeking, she was behaving and keeping it together at school. I didn’t notice anything until several weeks ago my husband was traveling and I was home with my other two kids (one home from kindergarten sick, other is 3). She was seeking like crazy. Constantly wrestling with her brother, touching and kicking her sister. Biting non-foods, rubbing soap all over her arms and hands. I started back with the sensory diet we were more lax on.
The next week the meltdowns started. We had a sitter for the kids one night. Bean was bothering the sister, not listening to the sitter and drawing on the sitter’s belongings. The sitter put her in her room to calm down (per instruction) = meltdown. When I got home it took me 20 mins to calm her down. Well, there goes having her stay with sitters. A couple days after that fiasco she lost it at my parents and tried to kick my mom. After all of this I brought back the therapists.
Last week, again on my own, meltdowns were at an all-time high. They included hitting, kicking, and spitting at me, and her putting her hands around my neck and pulling of my hair, both of which were new. She throws things at me or around the house, screams you wouldn’t believe and honestly, scares her siblings. I worry about having them around her especially in these situations. I had implemented a reasonable amount of small things we can do throughout the day just to get by: rolling on the ball, wrapping up in blankets, laying under our weighted blanket, a quiet/calm room, sledding, brushing. All by recommendation of the OT and with suggestions by Bean. Half the time she refused to do them, even if I tried to make them into a game. If she tried to tackle her siblings or hurt them I would try to remove her which became a battle.
This week the meltdowns and seeking are at the same level but add in the fact she will meltdown at school drop off. For the last couple weeks she hasn’t “liked” school. The OT thinks it may have something to do with having to keep it together and loss of control. Tuesday she screamed for 40 mins and when I dropped her off we were both sobbing. I think her teacher may just think I am a basket case. Wednesday was a tad better, but Thursday we were back to getting peeled off of me at the door. I fear that my son has to witness this and what this does to him.
Now, here’s where I need the help. What am I doing wrong? What is making my sweet, precious girl into such a horrible, hateful person. I know she can not control it and all I want to do is help. I feel like I am not making any progress and am going backwards. I don’t know what I can do. I feel like I am missing something huge I just don’t know where to start. Since she was diagnosed 2 years ago (at age of 2 1/2) we have done a year of OT, hippo therapy, mental therapy and I’ve practically made my basement into a therapy gym. I don’t understand what has happened that in 4/5 short weeks I’ve gone backwards so far we have to start OT from “before scratch”. I don’t know how to get these meltdowns under control so I’m not being abused and she is not tormented. I don’t want to be afraid of my 4 1/2 yo daughter. I hope this all makes sense – I am exhausted. Help.